I'm A Believer

Last week I felt inclined to post ( Seek and You Shall Find ) in regards to a show I had watched entitled "Letting Go of God."  A story about a devout Catholic who eventually through seeking for answers she became a devout atheist. Many of the comments made in regards to this post kept me thinking still about the question of what one believes.

What makes it right… what makes it wrong. Personally I do not believe that anything makes it wrong. If I wish for others to accept me and my beliefs, what right do I have to not accept them if their beliefs may be different than mine. In my opinion, I have no rights.

Floating around blog land is a so called movement entitled "Project Pagan Enough" The details can be found over at Inciting A Riot. It is one person’s pilgrimage to show other pagan’s the issue of accepting their own kind. I will be the first to admit that although I call myself Pagan, I have at many times not felt so. Why, you may ask? Well mainly because I do not do all the things that many other “Pagans” do. I choose the name of Pagan as I felt that my beliefs and the path that I felt my heart was taking me down was not necessarily in accordance with Christianity and the doctrine they follow.

I had come to a point in my journey where I could no longer claim one thing (or perhaps wear the mask) and yet feel so strongly contrary to it. I will admit that there are many of my beliefs that still intermingle with what many pagans would consider Christian. It is hard for me to completely take some of these traits from me as they have been with me over time and in many ways have proven themselves in my eyes to be truthful. The thin line that I feel I sometimes walk between the two is at times extremely narrow or so I thought.

Over the weekend my heart continued to ponder this issue. I came to the conclusion that I had misinterpreted the situation and what it truly is. Yes there are Christians who I am sure would have issues with my beliefs and the manner that I choose to practice. Yet there are also ones who understand that this is what works best for me. It is my road and my journey. They do not judge what I feel I have found in my quest and therefore there is no friction between us. Likewise there are Pagans who have issues with my deviance from what they may see as the true path and the intermingling of traits they see in my belief and practices. Yet also there are those who accept me freely as another who is striving like them to find the best answers they can in the questions that life seems to give us daily.

I have come to realize that the discord that I felt at times in the church is also apparent in the pagan society. Just like the church has those who sit and look down their noses at others whom they feel do not measure up to the qualities they see themselves with. There are also Pagans who feel that unless one speaks the perfect words and performs the rituals in a specific manner that they also do not deserve the right to call themselves as they do.

I worked once as a church secretary. For four years I sat in the office and watched, being the observer that I am, as members of the church came and went. I saw things that many of the regular members of the church never seen. In many ways I am so glad that they never will, as it would have only caused them to wavier in their walk. I was told things by elders and the elite that I would have never expected to come from one who supposedly held such a position. By the time I left the church these as well as other events made me greatly question myself and the intentions I may have before I performed any act in the name of whom I claimed to follow.

I think this is why I so cling to the role of solitary when one ask me what I consider myself. I have never felt comfortable in calling myself a witch. Yet in ways I feel many of us are just that even though we do not realize it. I believe in magic and many things that are unseen and unexplainable. I do so because I have seen it with my own eyes, I have witnessed it personally. Many things to the extent that to tell some of my experiences, I think would even make some pagans think me mad.

I believe that there are many out there who feel much like me. Who are only trying to search for what they feel fills that void that enters us all at some point in our lives. There are many who want to tell us what it is we should believe… what it is we should do… and exactly how we should do it. There are those that if we stray from such instructions, they consider us unworthy of the name they call themselves. For some time I have felt uncomfortable in calling myself Christian. I know in my heart that it is a title I will no longer use. Yet I also feel somewhat uncomfortable with the title of Pagan. I know that I do not do all the rites and rituals that many talk about. I know that I do not worship the gods and goddesses that many speak of. I had to ask myself then what am I?

In conclusion I can only say that I am a believer. I believe in what I what believe in. I trust its truth and know its validity. I do not try to explain that which I cannot explain. I leave that for the Gods who will in time show me if that be their will. I am content with that. I do not need to feel superior to the point that I define my walk as the only true way. The only true path there may be. There are many paths and there are many followers… how can we all walk on the same road at the same time. It is not possible. Our destination is the same, we just choose to follow different methods to eventually arrive.

I encourage you to stop by the Project Pagan Enough. I encourage Pagan and non-Pagan alike. As this is not an issue that pertains to Pagans alone. It is an issue of acceptance. Acceptance of one another for who and what they are. Of not needing to claim ourselves better than others simply because they do not believe or think as we. We are all made up of what comes and goes from our lives on a daily basis. Even for those in the same boat the experience will be viewed from differing perspectives. One will not see the experience the exact same way the other does. We all experience our spiritualism in much the same manner, or so we should be allowed to. Moments will come when we are all given an opportunity to aid others in their walk, just as others have aided us. Yet it is not our place to pass judgment if by chance they do not take the aid we offer or they choose to alter it to fit them. We truly all are Pagan Enough.

All Who Wander

There is a wonderful quote of Tolkien's which has always given me courage.  At times when I feel that I a bit scattered and not necessarily moving forward in a straight line I think back to his words. "All who wander are not lost."  Such a profound statement in so few words.  Personally I think it a wise thing to wander then and again.  It allows one to go off the beaten path and find new things to make their mind think on. 

I have always felt somewhat sorry for those who allow others to tell them how everything is, never questioning for themselves.  You know the ones I am talking about.  The ones who allow someone to be the authority on things they feel are important in their lives.  I have always wondered why people do this.  I do understand that there truly are those who know more, are more educated, etc.  Yet when it comes to some things, let's say beliefs.... why would you want to allow someone to have such power over you.  I guess in a way I was fortunate.  Although I was very much an introvert as a child it allowed me to sit back and observe.  And believe me I did just that, which at times confused me even more.  Yet in my confusion I just wandered further in til I found the answers that satisfied me. 

Not growing up in a specific church home, I passed around to 5 of the denominations that were represented in the small town I grew up in.  My first experience was with the Lutheran church.  It was the closest thing that my mother who was originally from Germany felt comfortable with.  Even then she had problems with the social aspect that Americans put into their church going.  I remember her saying often that it was just a place to go and show off your new clothes and that was just not right. 

Then at 4 I started to attend the Methodist Church with an older couple who were childless and somewhat adopted me as a grandchild.  It was here that I truly got my first taste of the Christian religion.  One of my favorite events was once a month they would have a dinner and invite a missionary who had served in another country to speak.  I loved to hear of the adventures they had.  I found it so exciting.  One specific time we had a man from the Philippines.  He brought money from his country for the children and was so kind.  His wife prepared a dish that was native to the Philippines.  It was on this night at the raw age of 5 maybe 6 that I heard my first words of hypocrisy spoken.  The missionary had spoken and all were winding down from their meal.  People were too and fro visiting with one another.  Being a small kid no one really took mind of me as I walked around the room.  I remember overhearing 2 men speaking to one another and the words they spoke confused me.  They were making fun of the missionary and his wife.  Saying unkind words about them  and the manner in which they lived.  I could not understand this as a child.  I remember so vividly wondering why they would do such a thing.  Because only earlier they sat and talked and laughed with the man.  Needless to say as a young child this perplexed me deeply. 

There were other incidents throughout my life, whether Baptist, Christian, or so on... yet that is not the pathway I want this post to take.  It would be easy to post numerous events where man did not shine his brightest.  I do not want to expound on the negative aspect of this point.  I want to stress the positive...

I learned very early to look for the answers to my questions myself.  Of course this meant asking, listening, and learning from those around me.  Yet it did not necessarily mean that I had to accept everything that they said to me.   Some of you may be thinking, who are you to question... I am me thats who I am... I was taught that the relationship between God and one is personal... I learned that at a very young age... I witnessed that at a very young age... If it is so personal then why do I need to let someone else tell me what it is I am suppose to believe....

If something did not feel right to me... did not sit with me well I asked for guidance, for wisdom... Such things could come in a variety of manners...., A teacher, a friend, a child's words, a book, a song, from nature.... and on and on... It was endless... It was just a manner of opening up my mind and allowing it in.  So many times there are messages all around us in so many forms, yet because we are programmed not to listen to such things in this manner we don't get the full benefit. 

I have learned more from Mother Earth then I have learned from any human.  I have learned more from the simplicity and honesty of a child then I have learned from an arrogant adult who feels that they are superior over me because of the position they hold.  I have learned more from a simple look at a persons eyes who has suffered and endured, from sitting silently with someone after the passing of a loved one, from laughing at the pain experienced,  and so on. 

It is not the norm I think to be this way... Or so it seems that many people prefer to be told what it is they are to do... How they should act, what they should and shouldn't say.  In a way I understand.  Yet what is so wrong about wandering... what is so wrong about going off and trying to experience it for yourself... Yea there will be stumbles along the way, yet isn't that how we learn.  Yea sometimes we may think we are somewhere only to be reminded that we really are not as  high as we thought.....

There was a book I read as a  young girl and occasionally I pick it up and read it again.  It is an allegory something I truly love. .  Hines Feet in High Places by Hanna Hurnard.  It is somewhat of a Christian book yet to me it could pertain to anyone.  It speaks of the climb we all take through life and the journey.  A wonderful uplifting book that truly makes you think twice about all the things that may occur to you throughout life.

I guess in some ways (probably many) I intertwine my early influences of the church into my beliefs now.  Yet I will be honest and say that I can not bring myself to go to a "church"  I do not like the way the church tries to force one into a specific manner of living.  Not allowing them to have a say in anyway as to what they may feel.  I also do not like the judgmental manner some treat others.  Now I know that this is something that occurs even outside the "church" and sometimes in the pagan belief system too. Yet it does not seem to be such a prolific characteristic. 

I still consider myself on my journey.. I have been so fortunate to meet many along the ways.  Many of all faiths.  Some I have grown to truly love and others I can not seem to understand where they are coming from... I am far from perfect.. .Learned to accept that about myself a long time ago.  I can be a bit pushy sometimes if I feel strongly about something and at times have to pull myself back and stop.  I am terribly protective to a mother bears stance of those who are dear to me, friends, family whatever. I always protect the underdog, to a fault.  I am a hopeless romantic and optimist and truly do not enjoy ones who look at things negative constantly... even if they call it being realistic... I have a very long fuse and usually it will never ignite especially to the point of explosion, yet if it does... watch out.... It is the Scorpio in me that comes out at this time and believe me sometimes it is not pretty....

Once again I do not claim to be perfect... I am just me... walking along my path... experiencing my journey.  I try to be nice and pleasant... yet am sure at times to some I appear that I am not.  Yet this wanderer will continue to do just that... Wander here and there... and though sometimes it may appear to some that I am lost without a cause... believe me I am right where I need to be...

Who Is Your God?

It seems that at of late I have ran across many blogs dealing with the issue of Christianity vs. Paganism.  I have read and commented on most of these writings yet truly do feel inspired to write my own.  Thus here goes.  I know that this is an extremely sensitive subject to both sides as well as to those who feel somewhat stuck in the middle.  I think I feel my empathy for the middle people the most as they are not truly accepted by either side entirely.  Somewhat like being a mixed spiritual follower.... You are not considered Christian and you are not considered Pagan.  I remember when I first decided to start Mother Moon.  This is one of the issues that drove me to see its need.  I grew up in Rural Oklahoma.  One can not get anymore Bible belt than that.  There was a Southern Baptist church on every corner.  Ok I am embellishing the truth somewhat but you get what I mean.    Alternative beliefs were something that were greatly shunned upon and anyone known to be dabbling in such things was immediately marked.  No you didn't necessarily have a  W plastered on your chest but being a small town the word got around... And the bad thing about the word getting around anywhere is that it never is the same two times in a row. 

I did not grow up in what would be considered a "church home" yet it was the church where I received much of my early belief system.  I will say this, that although I grew up in the church, I questioned it constantly.  Especially when I realized that people were telling me one thing and they themselves were doing the opposite.  At an early age (4 to be exact) I started to question everything that was told to me.  I did not accept anything based simply on the fact that it was what my Sunday School teacher told me.  I wanted to understand it for myself.  I wanted to experience it for myself.  I wanted to live it myself.  I wanted it to be personal and mine. 

Eventually due to this thought process and the fact that I had come to conclusions that were not in tune with their teachings I fell away from the "church" yet not necessarily away from God.  I do not claim to know what is the truth and what is not.  I do not think anyone can.  I do know though that this world is too vast and intricate to not have a creator.  Or at least that is my thought process. 

My God has been with me since I can remember.  I have received comfort, wisdom, solace, strength, and so much more from my God.  I have been shown my God best through nature and all that surrounds me that is true and real.  Not made from man's hands or even from his mind. Although I will say that there has been some grand inventions and words and music wrote that stir my soul to no end.  I experience my God best when I am in nature.  The trees speak to me as only they can.  The wind cradles me and rocks me gently.  Tears fall from the sky to cleanse me as well as to invigorate me.  The sun shines on me and warms my soul.  This is my God.  The animals as they frolic in the woods, the flowers as they bloom and lend their fragrance to the day.  The beauty of a clear clean night when the moon is full.  Sometimes my God is a she; a mother who holds me in her arms and gently sings me to sleep.  Sometimes my God is a man; who helps me to see the folly of my ways and lends wisdom to help be once again walk the right path. 

I do not claim to know or completely understand your God or their God, her God, or his God.  Yet I beleive that as real as my God is to me... yours is likewise to you.  We all walk our own path in an attempt to take that journey that only we ourselves can truly take.  No one is capable of doing it for us then telling us this is how it is.  We must experience it on our own.  I can not see why anyone would want one to do it for them and then miss out on the delight of the experience.  I am not sure what to call myself... I only know that I am a believer..... And it is like I always say... Believing is half way there. 

Pagan & Christian - Why Can't We Just Live Together

It amazes me sometimes how difficult some make it. What is it? Anything really. It is almost as if they strive for discord or difference... Their life just is not complete without a little unsettleness occurring. In the continuing argument between Paganism and Christianity, this is even more true.

Growing up in a small Oklahoma town, the one thing that it was not short of was churches. It always seemed that each was striving to boost their attendance and membership more than the other and therefore whichever one was winning at the time was the place to be. Not growing up in a church going home, I was what was considered fair game. I can say that out of the 7 churches in our small town of apx 5000 I attended all but one. I do not regret this in anyway as it truly gave me a broad overview of all the denominations and their beliefs.

The church itself gave me much comfort and guidance as a child, something I will forever be grateful for. However the people truly made me cautious. I learned not to trust completely what was said, yet to search for myself to find the answers to my questions. This search led me in several directions yet always seemed to eventually lead me to what I needed to learn. "Seek and Ye shall Find" Yet some of the paths which gave me the wisdom I longed for were forbidden by the "church"

It took a great deal of time to get past this feeling of shame and guilt that loomed over me. Yet with time and much soul searching, I made it past this point. Ones spiritualism is just that.... ones spiritualism. It is a personal relationship that is shared between oneself and their God/Gods. It is not for any other to dictate and force onto them. However there will always be those who do just that. There are Christians who deny Paganism and Pagans who deny Christianity... Yet I truly feel that my beliefs and path is a combination.

"Belief" by John Mayer is a beautiful song. The first time I heard this song, its words rang so true in my mind and seemed so well to explain to me why people feel so passionately about what they believe... Allowing each their own is something I truly try to do... knowing that I am not perfect and at times fall short. Yet still I have to keep in mind that as much as I want for others to allow me my space, my beliefs, that I likewise need to allow them theirs, regardless. I am sure that still I will find disagreement in my manner of belief. That as I become bolder and step out further in regards to this, many who before were friends will not be there. It has already happened somewhat.

Yet I have never been more complete in my life. My life has never been more full and enriching. The path I follow is truly where I need and should be. I know there are many others out there who feel much the same way. Yet when it comes down to the bottom.... I remember this one fact, It will not be one of those people who I stand before, or who will judge me and decide my fate as I pass on into the next phase. Just as it will not be me that they stand before. I am at peace with my God and that is truly all that matters, whether it be called Wicca, Christianity, etc..

Blessings
Raelin