Procrastination and Chocolate

Another glorious week of life has passed us by and I cannot help but ask myself what I have accomplished. Strangely it went past rather quickly. That is probably because it was such an enjoyable week. Not necessarily that anything special happened; in fact I spent it mostly alone. Yet the weather was quite perfect and I was able to get outdoors more than I have in some time. That always seems to lift my spirits. Even the Mercury Retrograde that everyone seems to be talking about, although I can feel it, is not affecting me in a terrible way.

It is not as if I have sat on my butt all week and absolutely done nothing. The normal chores and errands have been completed. I have my Celtic Tree Lore posts completed for the next two months. I did some deep fall cleaning. I worked outdoors of course and spent some extra time tending my flowers and gardens. I have started working on Christmas gifts. Yet still I ask myself what I have accomplished. For some time I have wanted to start seriously working on my writing yet it seems that I always find some excuse or reason not to give it the time that I really want to give it. There really is no excuse that is adequate enough although I can always find one that I deem suitable to stop me.

This morning I ran across a quote by Robert Kennedy which somewhat kicked me in the butt as if trying to tell me exactly what I need to hear. “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” It is not necessarily that I want a top ten bestseller book, although don’t get me wrong if the fate landed in my lap I would not turn my nose up at it. I just want to be able to say that I put my best foot forward and that I gave it my best attempt. Procrastination is my monster that lurks in the shadows and whispers those bad things to me that keeps me from doing the things I need to do… That and possibly a bit of senility as it seems I chase rabbits a bit more now than I ever used to. Yet even that I think could be called an excuse that I use for the dragging of my feet.

In the coming weeks and possibly longer I have promised myself to stop making excuses and to work on those things that I have kept back on the shelf telling myself that I will tend to them when I have adequate time. Really what is adequate time? Any woman knows that if we were to wait for the perfect moment to work on anything that we see as slightly selfish that it would never get done. Or at least not be given the same amount of time or importance that we give so many other things in our lives. It is not that the keeping of the household, the children, the husband, the job, and all the other things that we put before ourselves are not important. They all hold their special place in our hearts and for some no matter what we decide there are a few of those distractions that we will not budge.

Yet I do think it is important that a woman tends to herself; that she takes those special moments to treat herself and do things that she enjoys and loves. Some of us are able to do this a bit more than others. Our children have grown and are no longer at home. We have time in the day that is spent alone and we can steal those precious moments we so desire. Although I am very much in that situation; I still find myself putting myself at the bottom of the list. Which we all know means, that many times it is the one item that there just was not enough time for in the day. I will be honest and say that I do manage to have so much more “me” time than before and I do sympathize with mothers of young children at home. I know if I still here in that situation I would give my prime time to them. It is a woman’s nature to do such a thing.

In the long run though to give a little of the nurturing, that woman do so well, to oneself will benefit them greatly. It took me a while before I understood that statement. Yet when I realized that it was impossible to give anyone or anything my best if I was not giving my best to myself first, my life changed. As you can see I still regress back at times, yet like I have said before that is a woman’s way, we love to tend to others.

I guess what I am saying is I am going to have a little me time. I am going to give a bit more to the things that I enjoy and want to excel in and also jump off a few cliffs. I mean that figuratively of course. Take a few moments (or longer if you can ) this weekend and ponder on what it is you want out of yourself and then ask yourself what are you doing to achieve it. Eat a little chocolate while you think about it... Why? Because any woman knows that a little piece of chocolate can make any woman feel better. Blessings

My Choice - A Little Rant

Approximately 13 years ago my life was at a point where I could no longer continue in the manner I had been for the previous 17 years. My marriage had evolved to a point where although I was willing to consider working to resolve any and all of the cracks that had grown through the years, I knew that it was a near to impossible thought. It is impossible to constructively work on any issues if both sides are not willing to give 100% in order to accomplish the task. I knew that I could no longer live in the manner in which I had been. I also knew that there were three kids who would also go on this crazy ride and this was possibly the one thing that almost made me stay and endure despite the slow erosion that I could see occurring to my being. Yet in the end I made the decision that I knew was the right one for myself.

I knew that if I was not to tend to myself and see that I had the possibility to be myself, I would never be able to give to my children all that I had inside of me. I had already kept from them so much of me through the early years of their lives because of the union I had been a part of. Thus I started my journey down this path that in the beginning looked to be the roughest I would ever choose. I remember many times when I sat in the dark and asked myself what had I done? Why had I left the “normalness” of my previous life? Why did I choose to be shunned by prior friends because of the rumors that my ex choose to spread? Why did I choose to lose any financial security I had. Why did I choose to let my children go through this ordeal?

Each time I sat there, by the end of my questioning I would always come to the same conclusion. I choose to do what I did because I could see no other way to get back any piece of myself that may still be there. For 17 years I had allowed my identity to be taken and put in a closet. I allowed my children to be born and raised to near their teenage years never really knowing who their mother was. All because I thought that eventually it would change. All because I thought that no one could be so selfish and uncaring.

In the beginning it was hard… It was close to impossible at times. The dark tunnels I traveled all alone had such a grip on me that I feared I would never find any glimmer of light that would eventually lead me to what I wanted so much to believe was somewhere out there for me. Of course I made some not so good choices. I am thankful that such choices did not devour me as they easily could have. I am not sure what exactly it was that gave me the strength to keep getting up each time I slipped back into the darkness. I just know that I did not want to remain there any longer. I did not want my children to remember me in such a way.

It has been 13 years since I started this journey. The road has eased much, yet still there are times when it lends memories of the past rough terrain. I am not sure if it will ever become absent of such travel yet its frequency has lessened greatly, occurring only unfortunately when the 3 children that started the journey with us are involved. Still it tugs at me as before. He always knew how to get to me the quickest…with my children. I will say that I am much better at dealing and responding to such action at this time in my life. Although difficult sometimes, I have to allow him his behavior. I have to be careful that he does not pull me into his drama and in his manipulative way form the outcome to appear that I am in the wrong.

This has forever been a fine line and will continue to be. Yet I have been through trials before in my life. I have learned that release is the best combative force one can use. To hold onto anger only creates bitterness. In the end, bitterness will only affect and damage me. It will never have any affect towards righting any of the wrongs that I feel may have been played against me. It will not demand any justice from him who initially caused this feeling inside of me. It will only sit deep inside of me. Covering me slowly with its blackness until eventually I would be consumed completely. Soon all whom I would care about would be affected by this disease. Soon because of its ugliness they would be tempted to keep their distance. Soon I would be all alone left only with my anger and the blackness it had created.

So I choose to release…to let go of the desire to get even or to get back when still he taunts me with his subtle ways. To ignore the attempts to still compete with me in regards to the children and now the grandchildren. Some may think that I should do something… Stand up for myself… And maybe someday if the fates allow me that perfect opportunity when I know that all is aligned as it should be I will speak the words that I should have said a long time ago. Yet until that moment comes, I will not allow his bitterness to affect me. I will move on with my life. I will enjoy the newness and joys that have replaced the prior. I will release my pain.

I have used this same method of dealing with unpleasant issues throughout my life. Some are done easily and quickly while others take a bit more time and sometimes are quite painful. Yet travel is so much easier when we choose not to take along any needless excess baggage that has no purpose on our journey. In the end only weighting us down and keeping us from many of the wonderful places we could see and experience if only we were not so burdened and worn by our heavy load. I can only speak for myself… yet I would like to see as much of this life as possible, especially the good stuff. Blessings to you all.

An Open Mind

I have always been one who ponders… Some call it a thinker. You know the one who takes something and examines it relentlessly attempting to figure its mechanisms out so that they can understand how exactly it all works. With something that is solid and can be held in one’s hands this is not necessarily a bad thing. Yet when applied to a simple thought or act it can become a quite enormous feat. Some things are just as simple as they may appear. They need no elaborate thought process to bring them into light for us to see their clarity.

 

We have what we seek…

It is there all the time, and if we give it time…

It will make itself known to us

“Thomas Merton”

Still I will think on it…attempting to look at it from all sides and perspectives. As time has passed in my life this process has brought me much insight on certain issues… especially when it comes to seeing it from a perspective other than my own. It is hard sometimes to do this. Most of us feel quite passionate about our views and feel that we have examined it to the point that we know enough of the facts to make our final decision. Yet I have learned there are often other sides, other views, which I have at times not taken into consideration. This simple realization has taken me leaps and bounds ahead of where I began within my journey in life. It has also helped me to understand others as well as myself more. Most people are quite willing to discuss their ideas and views if they do not feel that they are being threatened when doing so. Given the right approach two people with quite different views on a said subject can comfortably sit and discuss it and in the end both come out with new insight.

The way is not in the sky,

The way is in the heart.

“Buddha”

There is so much wisdom out in the world…wisdom which comes from so many walks of life. It is sad to think that there are so many who will never gain from such wisdom because they have chosen to keep a closed mind in regards to certain individuals based simply on their beliefs, race, and/or culture. What is it that keeps one from listening? Could it possibly be a feeling that in doing so they may forfeit some of themselves and lose credibility? Maybe it is the loss of power they feel they will lose if they give any of their ground away. Power plays such a large part in so many struggles. Even when one feels that they are not right and they know that the opposing side holds good points and is in the end the better choice, they will fight for what they represent simply because they do not wish to lose. Why is it that we “enjoy” telling others what is right and what is wrong. Why do we feel such power in being the one who has the last say? Quite possibly because deep down all of us want to have some form of importance to ourselves. We want to feel as if our participation is needed and at times even non-replaceable. Truth is though that any of us can be replaced at any time. True there are some who have such talents that replacement could be a bit of a challenge yet in the end the job can be filled if needed.

It is an individual decision that each one has to make. The decision as to how open we will be to the things around us. Will we open our minds and allow thoughts that are different than our own to be heard? Will we consider the affects that such thoughts could bring? Will we even go as far as to consider the negativity that our own thoughts could bring? Taking it even a step further and changing our thought process if needed, despite the fact that it could shun us from some of those around us. Will we give up the control so that the right thing can eventually be accomplished?

Hopefully so… Hopefully as time continues a new awakening will emerge and the desire to have “my way” or no way will subside. We will finally see the need to work together for the common good as opposed to each struggling to get our own way at whatever the cost may be. Maybe it is just my overly optimistic outlook that helps me to feel that it will eventually be a reality. Yet I hope it is a glimpse at the evolution of man to come. For it is truly in all of us to be such creatures….If we choose to be.

The Quickening - Part Two

The stirring that is felt in a mother's womb when she first feels the infant move is referred to as the quickening.  That soft flutter as if butterflies are inside your stomach.  Sometimes you wonder if you even truly felt anything yet soon you trust its validity. I remember the first time I felt my first child.  I was sitting in a college library, researching a paper .  There were people all around me.  Life was continuing as it always does, and then I felt it.  It was the slightest movement and even at that time I remember wondering how I could have noticed.  Yet it seemed immediately that all else stopped and I was only concerned with that ever so slight touch of life.    A magical moment that only a mother can relate to.  The magick of life inside of you.  A true blessing. 

Often at this time of year, we hear again this word, quickening.  I will be honest and say that before now when I heard the word the first thing that came to my mind was Andrian Paul from Highlander.  And what can I say, it is not that bad of an image to come to ones mind.  In this instance, the quickening refered to the transferance of energy that occurred when one immortal beheaded another immortal.  Yes I admit I was an avid watcher.  Yet enough of these lusty thoughts and back to what I meant to write about in the first place. 

 Now the word has taken on a much deeper meaning to me.  It brings to mind the birth of my 3 children and the time I carried them until their birth.  It brings to mind the planting of a seed into the soft furtile soil and watching it slowly poke its head out into the sunlight to grow upward.  It brings to mind the idea of the beginning of life.  This is a time when out of the darkness of winter,  life and light slowly emerges.  From the quietness of winters hibernation life comes forth.  A cycle that continues year after year. 

Yet then why does it seem so different this year.  Possibly it is because I have choosen to focus on my naturalist side more.  In doing this I can not help but notice the changes more.  Possibly it is because I have started this blog and on an almost daily basis I write in regards to that which seems to move me or touch me.  This definately keeps such things in  the forefront of my memory.  Possibly it is because there is just a keener sense of it now.  Many people have commented on my posts as well as written posts of their own describing the restlessness they are feeling deep inside of themselves.  They too have felt the quickening.  They too have felt the sense of urgency yet unsure exactly as to what the feeling relates specifically to.  Possibly something on a grander scale?  I guess it could be.  I have always felt that there are some that feel the vibrations of the earth more than others.  There are always subtle clues, yet because they are subtle sometimes they go unnoticed. 

So many times we allow the rat race we call life to consume us in a manner that blocks out the small voices that call us on a daily basis.  I understand that life does go on and there are needs that need to be met.  It is not as if we can just wander about with no responsibility.  Yet still there are times when we do allow ourselves to be covered with the "muck of life".  This in turn blocks our senses from so much that the "earth" has to offer us.  I am thankful for my quiet moments when I can be silent and allow nothing to come in yet hear everything.  I have learned the importance of making time for them and also the wealth they can bring.  It was a learning process I will admit, yet a lesson that was well learned. 

I guess there was a reason I woke at 4:30 today.  Finally instead of staying in bed as I do all other times, I choose to get up.  No matter what I did to try and return to the pleasure of sleep beneath my warm covers, it did not work. There was a reason.  There always is a reason... I will be honest and say that much of what is occurring for me these days is all new.  However I do not think I would really want it any other way.  It is always fun when on ones journey the scenery changes and there are new sites to see instead of the old usual ones.

As each of you continue on, as each of you experience your own quickening, I wish you good journey.  Take time to be silent and listen.  Take time to stop and enjoy the beauty that surrounds you.  Take time to be good to yourself.  Too often we do not remember ourselves until everyone else has been tended.  This is a daily process.  And in truth we all know that very seldom do we ever tend "everyone/everything in one day.  When the next day comes, we start at the top of the list again in our attempt to complete it.  All too often forgetting the person at the bottom - ourselves. 

Have a wonderful weekend.  For those of you to get snow (and a bunch it sounds like) stay warm and be safe... And one last thing.... Go Colts.....

The Restless Soul

Goodness what a winter this has been.  Colder than normal tempertures, snow out the whazoo....and all the issues that come along with such things.  I know that it is a time of quiet reflection of oneself and all that is around them.  A time to ponder on the things that have occurred in past and what may occur in times ahead.  Many it seems have drawn back into themselves in this time sorting out the things that weigh on their mind.  A bit of a quiet lull has fallen over blog land.  It is not surprising in that the last few months were so full of activity that at times I thought it was too much. One would think I would relish the quiet solitude that seems to be the norm the last week or two. 

Yet as I have greeted the greatly missed sunshine the last few days and the feel of a warm breeze I could not help but get a bit of an urging deep inside of me.  Maybe it is the stirring before spring, although that may just be an excuse because I long so for its arrival.  Yet I can feel the restlessness inside of me.  I long for more time outdoors.  To feel the sun on me, to hear the songs of the birds as they play with one another.  I long to piddle in my garden, clearing the fall and winter debri and making way for the new arrival of the flowers that will bloom soon.  My visions of my secret fairy space are eager to emerge into reality. 

As the the New Moon settles in today I understand more what I am feeling.  The corner was turned as Yule and we began our journey back towards the sun.  Slowly we have been making our way.  Imbolc lies as our next destination.  A time when we  begin to see the signs emerge more vividly thus also the strengthening of the feeling that comes with such progress.  Just as the soft flowers of winter begin to emerge, as the slow warming melts the coldness of winter from us, so also we feel the warmth come back into ourselves. 

The winter is still with us and will be for some time.  Coldness still could come and once again wrap us in its icy cloak.  Yet the wheel still turns and we know it is but a matter of time before the days become longer, the birthing of the spring animals will begin, and  the first signs of life will emerge once more to cover the earth.  The restlessness I feel is many things from the new moon, to the fact that Mercury is no longer in retrograde.  Yet the strongest pull I sense is that of an eagerness to bloom.  I know that it is not time yet.  The seed was planted as it should be and must run its coarse yet still I want it to shoot from the ground which is my being and become what it is meant to be.  I have always been a bit of an impatient one, especially when it is something that excites me.... And I know better than to ask for patience as I will most likely be taught it.  Something which is usually not a necessary plesant thing.

So I wait... quietly and yes patiently.  I wait as each day grows by a minute or two.  As  the sun comes to greet us just a tad earlier and leaves just a tad later each day.  As the earth thaws from the hold of winter's grasp and once again becomes soft and ready for life.  As I myself slowly sprout... all in good time I tell myself... all in good time