My Choice - A Little Rant

Approximately 13 years ago my life was at a point where I could no longer continue in the manner I had been for the previous 17 years. My marriage had evolved to a point where although I was willing to consider working to resolve any and all of the cracks that had grown through the years, I knew that it was a near to impossible thought. It is impossible to constructively work on any issues if both sides are not willing to give 100% in order to accomplish the task. I knew that I could no longer live in the manner in which I had been. I also knew that there were three kids who would also go on this crazy ride and this was possibly the one thing that almost made me stay and endure despite the slow erosion that I could see occurring to my being. Yet in the end I made the decision that I knew was the right one for myself.

I knew that if I was not to tend to myself and see that I had the possibility to be myself, I would never be able to give to my children all that I had inside of me. I had already kept from them so much of me through the early years of their lives because of the union I had been a part of. Thus I started my journey down this path that in the beginning looked to be the roughest I would ever choose. I remember many times when I sat in the dark and asked myself what had I done? Why had I left the “normalness” of my previous life? Why did I choose to be shunned by prior friends because of the rumors that my ex choose to spread? Why did I choose to lose any financial security I had. Why did I choose to let my children go through this ordeal?

Each time I sat there, by the end of my questioning I would always come to the same conclusion. I choose to do what I did because I could see no other way to get back any piece of myself that may still be there. For 17 years I had allowed my identity to be taken and put in a closet. I allowed my children to be born and raised to near their teenage years never really knowing who their mother was. All because I thought that eventually it would change. All because I thought that no one could be so selfish and uncaring.

In the beginning it was hard… It was close to impossible at times. The dark tunnels I traveled all alone had such a grip on me that I feared I would never find any glimmer of light that would eventually lead me to what I wanted so much to believe was somewhere out there for me. Of course I made some not so good choices. I am thankful that such choices did not devour me as they easily could have. I am not sure what exactly it was that gave me the strength to keep getting up each time I slipped back into the darkness. I just know that I did not want to remain there any longer. I did not want my children to remember me in such a way.

It has been 13 years since I started this journey. The road has eased much, yet still there are times when it lends memories of the past rough terrain. I am not sure if it will ever become absent of such travel yet its frequency has lessened greatly, occurring only unfortunately when the 3 children that started the journey with us are involved. Still it tugs at me as before. He always knew how to get to me the quickest…with my children. I will say that I am much better at dealing and responding to such action at this time in my life. Although difficult sometimes, I have to allow him his behavior. I have to be careful that he does not pull me into his drama and in his manipulative way form the outcome to appear that I am in the wrong.

This has forever been a fine line and will continue to be. Yet I have been through trials before in my life. I have learned that release is the best combative force one can use. To hold onto anger only creates bitterness. In the end, bitterness will only affect and damage me. It will never have any affect towards righting any of the wrongs that I feel may have been played against me. It will not demand any justice from him who initially caused this feeling inside of me. It will only sit deep inside of me. Covering me slowly with its blackness until eventually I would be consumed completely. Soon all whom I would care about would be affected by this disease. Soon because of its ugliness they would be tempted to keep their distance. Soon I would be all alone left only with my anger and the blackness it had created.

So I choose to release…to let go of the desire to get even or to get back when still he taunts me with his subtle ways. To ignore the attempts to still compete with me in regards to the children and now the grandchildren. Some may think that I should do something… Stand up for myself… And maybe someday if the fates allow me that perfect opportunity when I know that all is aligned as it should be I will speak the words that I should have said a long time ago. Yet until that moment comes, I will not allow his bitterness to affect me. I will move on with my life. I will enjoy the newness and joys that have replaced the prior. I will release my pain.

I have used this same method of dealing with unpleasant issues throughout my life. Some are done easily and quickly while others take a bit more time and sometimes are quite painful. Yet travel is so much easier when we choose not to take along any needless excess baggage that has no purpose on our journey. In the end only weighting us down and keeping us from many of the wonderful places we could see and experience if only we were not so burdened and worn by our heavy load. I can only speak for myself… yet I would like to see as much of this life as possible, especially the good stuff. Blessings to you all.

A Positive Attitude

Recently in one of my journeys through blogland I ventured upon a quote used a post on one of my favorite sites to frequent (Rue & Hyssop). She always has insightful words that manage to make one think and this was no different. I wrote the quote down and it lay on my desk for some time. Each day I would see its wisdom and realize how true it rang.

“For everything you missed… You have gained something else

And for everything you gain…. You lose something else

It is about your outlook towards life.

You can choose to Regret…. Or you can choose to Rejoice

How many times has something happened that at the time it appears to be one if not the worst thing that could have occurred? You rack you brain as to how it could have been avoided and what you will do now that it has happened. Yet in time as it comes to fruition you see that there was purpose to the cycle… Something occurs that would not have occurred if the prior “mishap” had not occurred.

There is always something positive in any situation. Sometimes it is hard to see the silver lining that may be so faint that the darkness of the clouds that it encircles keeps you from focusing on it. Yet still it is present. Sometimes it is not immediate that you are blessed with the goodness of a situation. Sometimes it can take time… Sometime it can take years….. Sometimes you may never see it… yet it is still present. Sometimes the gain is not necessarily for you, yet for another. Who through your trial and manner in which you handle and work through it, are inspired in an area of their lives to do likewise.

For those times that you feel you missed out on something that you should have had… and you wonder what it would have been like to have experienced it… There is another time that was given to you instead. A moment with just as much hope and just as much aspiration as the other… It may not be evident at that moment. Yet the question is what you will do with that moment. Will you squander it and give little or no attention to it as it was not “the moment” that you wanted or felt you deserved. You will sulk and hide in your corner for those things that you feel you lost. Blaming it on some unfair injustice that should never have happened?

It is not an easy thing to endure hard times. Such things as finances, relationships, and so on can come close to devastating one. Yet still the attitude that one holds during such times has a strong effect on how the story will play out. An attitude of bitterness and blame slowly builds walls that hold out the comfort and release one needs to work through such issues and move on with their lives. It keeps the anger always present and lurking in the shadows… never allowing the pain to heal. Sometimes release of such feelings can be a major feat. Letting go of something that has been your way of life for such a long time means change… Change means the possibility of discomfort… And although one may be in major discomfort already… The familiar discomfort is much easier to handle than an all together new discomfort.

I count myself so blessed to have the makeup that I have as a person. It took me some time to realize that it was not as easy for some to release such feelings. It was my feeling of not much self worth that thought that if I could do it anyone could. I realized in time that this was not the case. I will be honest and say that at times I do not have the patience I maybe should have in regards to some who are struggling with issues in their lives. Yet I think that this is mainly because I made a decision at an extremely young age to not allow the derogatory events of my life to keep me down. Don’t get me wrong… it was not an easy task at times to keep this promise to myself. There were many times that I felt I was lost in the darkness of my own sorrow to the point that I questioned if I would ever see light. Yet it was the consistent urge in me to keep going…The feeling that has always been in me that there is something better.

I do not talk much about the negative aspects of my life… I have never been one that opens freely and tosses out all the darkness that has occurred. I will at times, if I feel that my experiences can be a tool to comfort of help the situation. Yet mostly I keep them silent. It was hard enough to live through them the first time. Why would I want to continually relive such pain over and over… and even more when there is no good reason to endure such a thing?

I challenge you to ask yourself the question… Do you regret or do you rejoice… There are a couple things in my life that I have wondered about in regards to the choice I made and the results of that choice. I wonder if I should have chosen differently. I think if given the chance I may choose differently. Yet I also know that that is not a choice therefore it is an act I must accept and live with. I overall chose to rejoice. Rejoice in the chances I have been given… Rejoice in the blessings that have been bestowed upon me over and over again… and yes I even rejoice for the trials and pain that I have endured. As I know through even the deepest ones that there was much to be learned and gained.

Growth can be a painful experience. It can pull at parts of one that create great pain. It can take you to depths of yourself that you never thought existed. It can bring forth in one a clarity that is beyond explanation. There is nothing that is simply promised to be given to you. The road to any great gain is usually hard. Yet in the end when all is said and done the journey was well worth the effort and the sacrifice that was given. Rejoice… Rejoice and embrace all that you are… and all that you can be.

Yearning For Yule

Although this is the official first Yule I will celebrate, I do not think there will ever be a time when I long for it to come as much as I do now.  Samhain came and ended the year taking me into a time of reflection upon myself.  A time where I looked deep into my motives and desires.  Although it was journey that took me to some dark places, it also was a prosperous one and taught me much about myself.  Yet now I yearn for Yule when the time of darkness will let way to a time of coming light.  

It is hard to explain the contentment I feel inside myself as I have finally choosen the path I would travel at that fork in the road.  I dallied there way too long thinking I was moving forward when in truth I was only wandering around the same location for years.  Telling myself I was making progress when in truth I was moving nowhere.  It is good to be up again.  It is good to see new scenery, meet new friends...

This Yule represents a turning point for me.  A turning point to that which I should have been following.  I can tell that the path I choose was right.  I can tell that the darkness that was looming and at times completely engulfing  me is slowly lifting... Yule is but days away.... It comes slowly on the horizon with its sliver of silver.  It reminds me that each day is a new chance, a new opportunity to shed  the past, that which may be unwanted or unsightly; to create a new today, a new tomorrow. 

There are times when we must look inside ourselves and admit that there may be things, even things we may cherish and hold dear, that we must allow to pass and move on.  For it is with this death that we give way for newness to come into us.  It is with the passing of this darkness also that we give way to newness and light.  May this coming Yule fill each you with a sense of newness, a sense of purpose and a sense of love.  May you find that which you search for and wish for and dream for.  As we all know that dreams are born in the dark to be awakened and lived in the light. 

Blessing to all of you.