Seek and You Shall Find

The other day I was taking a break from my somewhat unscheduled day. I had grabbed a bite to eat for breakfast and usually at this time I click the TV on for a short time while I eat. There really is not much on TV in the mornings. At least there is nothing which I would deem watchable. Usually this time is spent channel surfing which is exactly what I did that morning. I stopped on a HBO channel. A show entitled Letting Go of God was on. I am not really sure why it caught my attention yet it did.

I sat there and watched while a long time Catholic woman explained her journey through the Catholic Church. She brought up questions and doubts she had formed while attempting to find her God. She talked about how she finally fell out of the church and continued to search in other realms for what she kept calling her God. I did not watch the entire show and sort of wish that I had. When I did check the info on it I found that in the end she comes to the conclusion that there is no God. In other words she goes from a devoted Catholic to an Atheist.

As I said I did not watch the show in its entirety. However I did watch a good portion of it and some of the areas in which she described her “search” sort of made me think. I think all of us have questions in regards to what our beliefs are and why. It is hard to believe that there would be one with no inquisitiveness inside of them. Yet I have seen them or so they appeared to be that way.

The individuals who are raised in a church atmosphere and find no issue with believing all the stories and such that are told to them from the time they are small until present. They do not question the doctrines they are told are correct. They do not question the situations that come into their lives that contradict such laws. They just continue to deal with life and all its adventures based on how they have been told they are to act. I sort of feel sorry for these people. Yes it is easy to sit in a room where everything is told to you. There is no need to make any decisions for yourself in regards to what you believe as you already have the blueprint in front of you. And if by chance you do start to feel yourself falter there are always the elders/deacons/whatever one can lean on. You know the ones who are suppose to know everything. I know that such a life is comforting. There is no need to step out into the real world and experience for yourself the darkness that is there. Who would want to? The stories that can be told are enough to scare anyone from even considering such a thing.

Then there are the individuals that have an issue with the rules and restrictions that church can bring so they are just not going to believe anything. That makes it easy… We are born then we die… that is all there is. The wonders of the world around us, what are they? Merely a coincidence they say. It all “just happened” to come to be. Religion is just a crutch for those who are emotionally unstable. They need to believe in something beyond because they just can’t deal with the life now. I have heard all these lines from “atheist”. I have to say I do not understand them very well. I try and keep myself clear of them as I usually end up in an argument.

Then there are the ones who seek. They search and look for answers to the many questions that fill their minds on a daily basis. They accept the fact that they do not know all the answers. They accept the fact that more than likely they will never find them. Their minds are open to all possibilities that seem to flow by them. They take each one and carefully examine it keeping what they feel is pertinent to them and letting go of what is not of any use. They build and form in time their own religion inside of themselves. Yes, many of these people attend a multitude of churches made up of a multitude of denominations and beliefs. Yet they are not the usual cookie cutter attendee. Their beliefs are much deeper, more real. They do not follow because they are told that is what they are supposed to do. They follow because it is what they feel in their heart is best for them at this time on their never ending journey to find “it”.

Although I would not consider myself a person who is forceful and aggressive in most areas of my life, I feel that when it comes to this area I am. I seek, because I do not know all the answers yet. I seek, because I want to know all I can. I have learned that there are areas that no matter how hard man tries he may never fully understand. It is not an insult to accept such a fact. It is merely being honest with oneself. I guess that in its own way atheism is a manner of seeking. I have known those who have grown tired of the church or any form of spiritualism and just said forget it all. They still ask the questions that even though they will not admit it are geared towards spiritualism. Even if the God they worship is themselves. I have to remind myself to allow them their own journey.

One of my favorite movies is Stigmata. A story of an ordinary woman (Frankie) with no ties to the church through a series of events begins to acquire the wounds that Jesus was said to have endured during the crucifixion. A controversial priest (Father Andrew) is sent to investigate the validity of the story. There are many quotes throughout this movie that echo my beliefs. From when the Cardinal is attempting to kill Frankie because he cannot explain her condition and cries out “I will not let you destroy MY church.” To when Frankie tells Father Andrew. “You know what’s scarier than not believing? Believing, really believing. It’s fucking terrifying. Yet my favorite of all is the quote that Frankie and others say several times throughout the movie. “The kingdom of god is inside you and all around you…not in mansions of wood and stone. Split a piece of wood and I am there, lift a stone…. And you will find me.”

Although this is said in a sense that many would consider “churchy”, it can relate to anyone who believes that there is something and/or someone bigger than them. That it is not what others necessarily tell us to believe or tell us to do, but what we ourselves seek out and eventually find that satisfies that need inside of us. Yes the answers are inside of each of us and they are all around us, we need only look for them.

All Who Wander

There is a wonderful quote of Tolkien's which has always given me courage.  At times when I feel that I a bit scattered and not necessarily moving forward in a straight line I think back to his words. "All who wander are not lost."  Such a profound statement in so few words.  Personally I think it a wise thing to wander then and again.  It allows one to go off the beaten path and find new things to make their mind think on. 

I have always felt somewhat sorry for those who allow others to tell them how everything is, never questioning for themselves.  You know the ones I am talking about.  The ones who allow someone to be the authority on things they feel are important in their lives.  I have always wondered why people do this.  I do understand that there truly are those who know more, are more educated, etc.  Yet when it comes to some things, let's say beliefs.... why would you want to allow someone to have such power over you.  I guess in a way I was fortunate.  Although I was very much an introvert as a child it allowed me to sit back and observe.  And believe me I did just that, which at times confused me even more.  Yet in my confusion I just wandered further in til I found the answers that satisfied me. 

Not growing up in a specific church home, I passed around to 5 of the denominations that were represented in the small town I grew up in.  My first experience was with the Lutheran church.  It was the closest thing that my mother who was originally from Germany felt comfortable with.  Even then she had problems with the social aspect that Americans put into their church going.  I remember her saying often that it was just a place to go and show off your new clothes and that was just not right. 

Then at 4 I started to attend the Methodist Church with an older couple who were childless and somewhat adopted me as a grandchild.  It was here that I truly got my first taste of the Christian religion.  One of my favorite events was once a month they would have a dinner and invite a missionary who had served in another country to speak.  I loved to hear of the adventures they had.  I found it so exciting.  One specific time we had a man from the Philippines.  He brought money from his country for the children and was so kind.  His wife prepared a dish that was native to the Philippines.  It was on this night at the raw age of 5 maybe 6 that I heard my first words of hypocrisy spoken.  The missionary had spoken and all were winding down from their meal.  People were too and fro visiting with one another.  Being a small kid no one really took mind of me as I walked around the room.  I remember overhearing 2 men speaking to one another and the words they spoke confused me.  They were making fun of the missionary and his wife.  Saying unkind words about them  and the manner in which they lived.  I could not understand this as a child.  I remember so vividly wondering why they would do such a thing.  Because only earlier they sat and talked and laughed with the man.  Needless to say as a young child this perplexed me deeply. 

There were other incidents throughout my life, whether Baptist, Christian, or so on... yet that is not the pathway I want this post to take.  It would be easy to post numerous events where man did not shine his brightest.  I do not want to expound on the negative aspect of this point.  I want to stress the positive...

I learned very early to look for the answers to my questions myself.  Of course this meant asking, listening, and learning from those around me.  Yet it did not necessarily mean that I had to accept everything that they said to me.   Some of you may be thinking, who are you to question... I am me thats who I am... I was taught that the relationship between God and one is personal... I learned that at a very young age... I witnessed that at a very young age... If it is so personal then why do I need to let someone else tell me what it is I am suppose to believe....

If something did not feel right to me... did not sit with me well I asked for guidance, for wisdom... Such things could come in a variety of manners...., A teacher, a friend, a child's words, a book, a song, from nature.... and on and on... It was endless... It was just a manner of opening up my mind and allowing it in.  So many times there are messages all around us in so many forms, yet because we are programmed not to listen to such things in this manner we don't get the full benefit. 

I have learned more from Mother Earth then I have learned from any human.  I have learned more from the simplicity and honesty of a child then I have learned from an arrogant adult who feels that they are superior over me because of the position they hold.  I have learned more from a simple look at a persons eyes who has suffered and endured, from sitting silently with someone after the passing of a loved one, from laughing at the pain experienced,  and so on. 

It is not the norm I think to be this way... Or so it seems that many people prefer to be told what it is they are to do... How they should act, what they should and shouldn't say.  In a way I understand.  Yet what is so wrong about wandering... what is so wrong about going off and trying to experience it for yourself... Yea there will be stumbles along the way, yet isn't that how we learn.  Yea sometimes we may think we are somewhere only to be reminded that we really are not as  high as we thought.....

There was a book I read as a  young girl and occasionally I pick it up and read it again.  It is an allegory something I truly love. .  Hines Feet in High Places by Hanna Hurnard.  It is somewhat of a Christian book yet to me it could pertain to anyone.  It speaks of the climb we all take through life and the journey.  A wonderful uplifting book that truly makes you think twice about all the things that may occur to you throughout life.

I guess in some ways (probably many) I intertwine my early influences of the church into my beliefs now.  Yet I will be honest and say that I can not bring myself to go to a "church"  I do not like the way the church tries to force one into a specific manner of living.  Not allowing them to have a say in anyway as to what they may feel.  I also do not like the judgmental manner some treat others.  Now I know that this is something that occurs even outside the "church" and sometimes in the pagan belief system too. Yet it does not seem to be such a prolific characteristic. 

I still consider myself on my journey.. I have been so fortunate to meet many along the ways.  Many of all faiths.  Some I have grown to truly love and others I can not seem to understand where they are coming from... I am far from perfect.. .Learned to accept that about myself a long time ago.  I can be a bit pushy sometimes if I feel strongly about something and at times have to pull myself back and stop.  I am terribly protective to a mother bears stance of those who are dear to me, friends, family whatever. I always protect the underdog, to a fault.  I am a hopeless romantic and optimist and truly do not enjoy ones who look at things negative constantly... even if they call it being realistic... I have a very long fuse and usually it will never ignite especially to the point of explosion, yet if it does... watch out.... It is the Scorpio in me that comes out at this time and believe me sometimes it is not pretty....

Once again I do not claim to be perfect... I am just me... walking along my path... experiencing my journey.  I try to be nice and pleasant... yet am sure at times to some I appear that I am not.  Yet this wanderer will continue to do just that... Wander here and there... and though sometimes it may appear to some that I am lost without a cause... believe me I am right where I need to be...