The Aftermath–Good and Bad

It seems like just the other day that we went to Chicago for Lollapalooza.  Yet it has already been two weeks.  It was wonderful to get away for a few days and even better to be able to go somewhere where the weather was considerably cooler.  We did have to tend with a bit of humidity but that was just fine.  I truly think it was the first time this summer that we actually spent three entire days outside all day long.  For me that alone was the best thing of the whole long weekend. 

The whole event was a blast.  I will say though since we were there a few years back that the number of people attending seemed to grow considerably.  It was the 20th anniversary so that could have had something to do with it all.  It was sold out all weekend which meant that 300,000 total were present each day, not to count the few that managed to sneak in one way or another.  Despite the crowdedness it was still fun.  The first day was the best as many had not gotten off of work yet and it did not seem to be as hard to find a good spot to just relax and listen to music.  Also of course Muse played Friday evening.  I was bummed as they put Muse and Coldplay up against one another.  Yet in the end my loyalties won out and I was smack in the middle for the Muse concert.  As always they were great and I was not disappointed with my choice at all. 

The rest of the weekend was filled with acts like Flogging Molly, Foo Fighters, Manchester Orchestra, Celo Green, Foster the People, and so many more.  We stayed at the Hard Rock which was nice yet it was also where many of the bands stayed.  Needless to say it was much like grand central station there at times, especially in the evenings.  If I had been a mere 20 years younger I probably would have enjoyed it much more. 

The only downfall of the whole weekend was the morning we came home.  In our drive to the airport of course we were stuck in morning traffic.  I managed to leave my camera in the cabbie when we got out at the airport.  I realized it immediately and we called the Cabbie Co first thing.  Although we made valiant efforts, we did not retrieve it.  I was depressed for days as my camera had become a bit of an appendage for me.  I lost all my photos from the weekend as well as some family photos I had shot before we left.  I will say that I was a bit upset about the honesty of people after it was all over.  We called immediately after we exited.  The cabbie had told us that because of the traffic he would just go down to arrivals at the airport and get his next fare there.  It would have been so easy to retrieve the camera then.  And even if he decided otherwise reporting it found would have likewise been as easy.

Sometimes I feel like I give too much credit to others that I just assume they will do the right thing.  Although also I do not want to become so cynical that I don’t trust anyone and look suspiciously at any who may give me a funny feeling.  I know that we live in rough times these days. Because of that it can lend some to do things that in other situations they may not even consider doing.  I also know that I have to accept that there are some who will do such things despite right or wrong.  I just tell myself that for some reason of which I will never know that maybe he needed it more than I.  Maybe in some way the possession of my Nikon D80 will aid him in a way that it did not not aid me.  I miss the rabbit charm that hung from the handle of my camera case almost as much as the camera.  I had received it from a friend in Ireland.  It was hand made with green stones and a pewter bunny at the end.  It was my good luck charm or at least it was suppose to be.  Yet no use crying over spilt milk.  It is what it is…

 

Mother Moon

The Healing Power Of Forgiveness

Forgiveness… once again the truth posts bring us to this topic. Yet this week it is forgiving someone other than ourselves.

Truth #4:  Something You Need to Forgive Someone For

I have had many things occur throughout my life, both young and old where forgiveness was necessary in order to move on with myself in a healthy manner. I like to think that I am able to deal with such issues a bit better than in previous times yet I am always wary to say anything like that as it is somewhat like praying for patience.

Yet in my life an event occurred that taught me a great deal of the need for forgiveness and the true gift that it can give to one if they chose to act upon it. Growing up in an alcoholic/abusive family was by far not the most fun I have ever had. Sometimes I think my saving grace was the fact that my father did not like me. In fact he made a point of telling me just that whenever he did speak to me which was seldom. Because of this I managed to escape much of the behavior that my older sister and brother had to endure. Unfortunately I did not escape it entirely.

When my mother finally got the courage to leave him, I thought that it was finally over and we could commence to have a “normal” life. Yet never say never as I learned later on in my life. It was several years later, when I was thirty years old that I would be faced with decisions I thought I would never have to make. My father was ill, or so I was told by my aunts and uncles and he needed to be taken to the VA hospital. I am really not sure why yet it fell upon me to do this task.

I will be honest and say that it was something that I did not want to do. If I never set eyes on this man again it would not bother me. He had taken so much from me as a child. Not only did he take my ideal of a father figure, he also took my family life away. I struggled with the wonderment as to why he disliked me so and why he said the awful things he said to me. I struggled with the abuse he brought to my mother and older brother and sister and later myself. I did not wish to have to “be nice” to him.

Maybe it was the Christian influence in me that gave me a feeling of being obligated to tend to him I am not sure. But the fact is that I eventually did take him to the hospital. It was a humbling experience that first time I saw him again. He was definitely sick and I could not help but feel sorry for him and also ashamed at myself that I had been so selfish with myself.

Over the next few years we would take him to his doctor appointments and such. I even allowed my children to meet him as I did not want to be the reason they never knew their grandfather. Fortunately this did not happen too often as I am not sure if I could have taken it on a regular basis. I remember my older sister and myself going to visit him one day. He was sick and it was a matter of time when he would finally pass. We asked him to consider coming closer to where his family was so that his last days would be with family. He refused. I remember before I left I confronted him in regards to earlier times and much of what had occurred. He sat there speechless. Yet when I left I remember feeling at peace.

That night I awoke from a dream. In it I could hear my father calling my name. He kept asking me to help him. Yet I could not see him. It was dark and foggy and regardless how hard I looked I could see nothing. When I woke, I remember looking at the clock. It was 12:43 AM. The next morning I received a call that my father had passed the night before. It was not until some time later that I learned that his time of death was 12:43 AM.

I was the only one in the family that cleared their conscious with my father. I was the only one who “forgave” him. It was more the starting process of forgiveness, yet in doing so it released a huge burden from me. My brother and sister did not forgive him before his death. I have seen the implications of this over the years and it has only strengthened my beliefs for the need of forgiveness.

Yes, I still get upset with others for things they do or don’t do. I still do not always release my anger and/or resentment immediately. Yet I have learned that inevitably it is something that will need to be done. Forgiveness is never simple yet it is always necessary to move on. Forgiving my father was not an easy task and there were many at the time who did not understand my actions. Yet at the time it was what was right for me and I am thankful that I had the opportunity to do so. It is a burden I no longer carry.

Forgiving Oneself - Truth #3

Forgiveness is not something that always comes easily. Depending on the act that was committed or the words that may have been said, forgiveness can take days, months, even years in some circumstances. Webster’s defines forgiveness as the act of ceasing to feel resentment against. Simple enough one would think, yet what if that resentment one may feel is against themselves. Often times we hold ourselves more accountable then we may others and therefore the act of forgiving ourselves can be an even harder chore to tackle.

This week’s “Truth” is :

 #3 – Something you need to forgive yourself for.

I will say that in earlier times in my life I was one who would take the blame for almost everything; something that I am not too proud to admit now. Yet as time has progressed and I have evolved or at least attempted to evolve, I have tried to not be so hard on myself. This simple act has helped me tremendously in growing as a human. Many years back not long after my divorce (1997) I read a book that would change my life forever: The Portable Coach by Thomas Leonard. I will be honest and say that I do not remember everything about the book yet 2 points stick out clearly still in my mind. One was the act of becoming incredibly selfish and the other was to tolerate nothing.

I was the kind of person at this time and before that both of these traits were far from anywhere in my life, yet the mere fact that I found it so difficult to do either meant that if I could do either even slightly it would make a world of difference for me. Thus, my transformation began. Yet what does this have to do with needing to forgive myself for anything you may ask. Nothing really except for the effect that it had on me in the manner of taking the blame for way more than I needed to which in turn helped me to start building myself up as a stronger and more balanced woman.

Over the years there have been things that I have chosen to do which after the fact I have rethought and wondered if they were the best choice for me. Yet one thing I learned some time ago was not to over second guess my decisions. They are decisions that have been made and the ability to go back and possibly change the outcome that came from them at the time they were made is in most cases close to impossible. Yes one can see the possible result of such decisions and in turn start at that time to go in a different direction yet the damage is usually already started and if a detour is needed it usually takes some time to get back on a clear and clean path.

Although there was an event in my life about 7 years ago that I have had a difficult time letting go and not blaming myself for in some way. I will start out this story by saying that this is extremely personal and on normal circumstances I usually do not openly share such things in such a open venue. Yet when I started this truth venture I promised myself that I would write whatever I felt led to write about. I have always had a strong belief that sometimes our experiences in life (good and bad) are meant to be shared so that others can glean from them what they may need. I know I have been given much comfort in the honesty of others. In saying that... Here is my story.

Without making this into what could easily become a novel size story I am going to condense some of the pre story. I have a feeling that with the fact that there are to be 30 truths that some of it will get filled in as the weeks pass by and other questions are answered.

In the fall of 2003 I was blessed with the news that I was with child. I will say that the fact that I was just about to turn 42 had me quite on edge when I realized that I would soon be raising a small child and that when that child turned 18 I would be the ripe old age of 60. What scared me even more was the fact that I was single and the father was not exactly in a place where he was eager to share my excitement. When I verified that indeed I was to have a baby, I kept the news to myself for the first few weeks.

Almost immediately I was joyful at the knowledge even though I was terrified at the same time. I had always enjoyed my time during pregnancy with my other three children and although I did not know what in the world I was going to do, I could not help but feel giddy and almost young again. Because of my age I went to a doctor soon after I knew for sure as I knew that my age could have some effect on everything. I really did not worry about it too much as I was never one to have any problems in any of my other pregnancies.

After I had taken care of the medical side of things, I prepared myself to tell my family the news. I knew that telling others would be difficult as here I was single and much older. All sorts of things raced through my head as to what they would think of me and how they would view me from that time forward. Yet the ones who worried me the most were my children. Telling them I knew would be the most difficult task of all. One by one I told those close to me; my mother, my sister, my boss and friends at work and yes my children.

I remember my oldest son being somewhat excited and even protective of me in regards to the baby’s father and his responsibility in the whole ordeal. Their acceptance of the event helped me tremendously and the more open I was with the pregnancy the better I felt. I was even to the point that I was glowing or so I liked to think I was. All those feelings from pregnancy that you get, the cravings, the feeling down deep in your tummy, they were all there and I could not help but be excited. I had had an initial ultrasound and all was ok. They were treating the pregnancy somewhat as a high risk due to my age and another ultrasound was scheduled after the first of the year.

I remember when I went in for it; I was so excited because there was the chance that we would know the sex of the child at that time. I had already accepted that it was a boy because I had been calling him Jonah for some time. When I went to the hospital the young tech greeted me and was so nice. The ultra sound started out just fine yet as it continued I could tell that something was not right. I kept asking questions yet he would tell me that he was not able to answer them and that I would need to talk directly to my doctor. Upon leaving the appointment a sinking feeling was beginning to develop in me. I could sense that something was not right. My doctor called me shortly after and asked if I could come into the office to discuss the findings.

When I arrived his gentleness said it all. He continued to tell me in his grandfather manner that the baby was no longer alive. He could not give me a definite reason as to what had happened or why yet that I had the choice to come in the following Monday and have it removed or allow it to pass naturally. I was in shock. I had just accepted the fact that I was a 42 year old single pregnant woman. I had shouted it to the world. I could not wait for the chance to be a mother again and somehow possibly redeem myself for any of the mistakes I had made the first time round. I had begun to finally feel good. And almost instantly it was over. He also told me at this time that the child was a boy, just like I had thought.

I decided to call him the following week with my decision and go home and process all that had occurred. He informed me that there was a possibility that I could pass the child before I saw him again and continued to tell me what to do if this happened. He wanted me to keep any remains that may pass and bring them to him first thing Monday morning so that he could examine them and be sure that the process had occurred as it should. He told me simply to place the remains in a zip lock bag and keep them in the refrigerator until I could bring them in.

I went home in shock and upon reaching home simply sat on my couch speechless. Much like he anticipated the process did start that weekend and I delivered Jonah. Nothing was harder for me than to take the tiny body and place it into the bag as he described and sit it in my refrigerator; spending all weekend knowing that he was there

For weeks after this I kept thinking what it was I may have done that made me lose Jonah. Was it that glass of wine I had before I knew I was pregnant? Was it the medicine I took? Was I on my feet too much? What could I have done that would have harmed him. I guess I thought I was super woman and that this pregnancy would be much like the other three I had over 18 years ago? It took years before I could not blame myself for Jonah’s passing or even really talk about it. I still wonder if there was anything I could have done that may have enabled the whole situation to come out differently. Yet over time I have learned that all things happen with some purpose and although I may not exactly know what that purpose may be I have to hold firm to that belief.

Have I forgiven myself? There are times when I can answer yes and then there are times and the tears well up inside me and I miss him so. He would be 6 years old today… He would be in first grade and of course be a wonderful child. As much as I can I have tried to forgive myself for this and hold on to the short time I did share with him and the sweet presence I feel from time to time knowing he’s always close by.

Truth #2 - To Love Thyself

To love oneself… Such a simple statement yet truly something that some find difficult if not impossible. Although with such an accomplishment comes great rewards. One usually does not realize the magnitude of this until it is finally achieved. Because when one learns to truly love themselves they are open to give to others all of what they truly possess. No matter how giving one may be they cannot give their full selves to anything or one until they can give it to themselves.

This week in the continuing journey of Truth posts, we fall onto

 #2: Something you love about yourself

If this question had been asked of me some time back I am not sure if I could have answered it with the openness and honesty that I do today. I think this is mainly because I had not reached that point of truly loving myself and also I had not realized other things as well. Although these days there are many things that I “love” about myself I think the one thing that makes me smile the most is the fact that I can now be still and enjoy the small blessings that come to one on a daily basis. The little things that occur to everyone everyday yet too many times we allow them to pass us by never really realizing them for all they are.

Four years ago I was encouraged to leave my job of several years. My daughter was beginning her nursing career and I agreed to take care of my grandkids on the days that she worked her 12 hours shifts. For any of you who know anything about me you know that this probably took little if any encouragement as I love spending time with my grandkids. The time that I was allowed to share with them in the early years of their lives will forever be one of my fondest blessings. We spent days not worried about whether or not the house was tidy and spotless. A new episode of SpongeBob Squarepants was far more important. We did not have to sit still and be quiet; we sang as loud as we pleased and danced to our hearts content whenever we felt like it. Yet my favorite times would have to be the evenings before bedtime. Tucking them in with plenty of hugs and kisses; reading them one two or maybe three bedtime stories, then of course those talks in the dark about all the occurrences of the day before and pondering on all the questions that life had to offer. These many moments of bliss by far helped me to realize the need to enjoy and relish the tiny blessings of life.

Yet sooner than I would have liked, they moved and my daily routine was drastically changed again. I had grown accustomed to these little contentments that had come my way and I missed having them. I knew that I would have to find these joys in other ways. I turned to my garden. I had a great love for the out of doors and the magic that Mother Earth can give. I had been taught this love by my grandma as well as another woman in my early life named Thelma. Both instilled in me a love of the garden, whether it be flower, herbs, or vegetable. They taught me the wonders that the earth can give to one if we only but tend her.

So I turned to my own yard and began to cultivate. There is something about the smell of the earth as it is turned and the fresh soil is uncovered. Vincent always gets upset with me because I do not wear my gloves when I tend my yard yet there is just something about the feel of it against my bare skin that I do not want to miss. I am just as bad in wearing shoes. I think I would go barefoot all the time if I could get by with it. The fresh grass against ones bare feet is one of my favorite senses.

Over the last few years I have worked my yard intently learning each year something new in regards to what to grow, how to grow it and how to tend it. I have cultivated my seeds and reharvested them again the next year. I love the fact that I am planting new generations of my plants. This last summer my sunflowers were third generation and next I will plant a fourth. I have raised a small oak from what was a small sapling when we first moved here to now a young tree which towers well above my head. These simple joys are things I would not trade for anything and I am so thankful that I was given the chance to realize them and also to appreciate them… I love that I am easily pleased; that something that cost nothing can make me so happy and feel so complete. I love that I have such simple things in my life to bring me the joy that surrounds me on a daily basis. I love that my eyes and my mind as well as my heart is open so that I can see the blessings that are everywhere each day. And I love that I do not allow the petty things in life to sit too heavy on me knowing that when it all comes to an end these things usually are not that important anyway.

What do you love about yourself? Ask yourself that question and you may just be surprised with what your answer may be.

Truth - Being Honest With Yourself (And Others)

Recently on scanning through the multitude of blogs that I am behind in reading, I came across one that twinked me and got me to thinking.  Because I was further behind in reading then I dare like to admit, the topic was repeated.  I soon found that there were several others who had chosen to take on this challenge and soon I found myself interested in it as well.

I am speaking of the 30 days of Truth blogs that have been sprouting up here and there.  I first saw it over at Fairies Sage who stated in her first day of Truth that she found it from Pamela at Sweet Soliloquies who in turn found it from The Karma Project.  The premise is to write about the topic in question each day, week, which ever one chooses yet to be truthfully honest about it.  A bit harder than it sounds if you really are honest... The full list of 30 topics can be found on The Karma Project - 30 Posts of Truth. 

I have decided to participate in this endeavor mainly because I think it could be interesting and when one delves into oneself one is always bound to learn something new.  I have chosen yet to do my 30 days of Truth as a weekly post each Friday.  Here goes: 

Truth #1 - Something You Hate About Yourself

Interesting way to start it all off... I try hard not to hate anything really.. I have always found hate to be such a strong word and felt that it brings such a negative aire with it.  Yet if I were to change that to Something I dislike about myself that is a different matter.  

I am an introspective kind of a person... Being a quiet child and a watcher it gave me plenty of time to sit back and examine things including myself... Sometimes I truly dislike the fact that I do overthink.  As being a thinker, it can also lead me to over think some things.  I find myself at times taking situations and because I ponder on them at times for a lengthy time, I tend to hold myself back from possibly doing or saying something that should have been done much sooner than I eventually do. 

I have learned some valuable lessons with this "trait" over time.  As in anything it has its positives and its negatives.  It also enables me to look at a situation from more than just my perspective and therefore possibly see sides that are not like my own.  Over time it has taught me to not be too lofty in my thoughts that my view is the only view... Believe me I still have a strong voice if there is something that I feel strongly about yet it has softened it somewhat.  Although there may be some that do not agree with that.  If they only knew the wrath of my Scorpio way in the true light they would realize just how true that statement is. 

I am learning to come to a humble medium with this part of myself that in the beginning I felt was a good trait and yet in time learned that it has (as does all things) its negative side.  I try to find the good in the negative as I feel it is always there.  And although something may seem like it is not that pleasant tasting the effects of it may prove to be something that brings forth the exact thing that one needs.  So although I dislike the fact that I over think things at times... I am also grateful that I do, for that added time that I have given some situations have proven to be the time I needed to see the truth come to light.  If I had reacted rather than responded I would have eaten much more crow in my life.. And I can attest that it is not a pleasant taste to have to swallow. 

A Thought To Ponder - Seeing the Other Side

After all these years, I am still involved in the process of self-discovery. It's better to explore life and make mistakes than to play it safe. Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.

Sophia Loren

Many of you read my post last Thursday when my subject manner was honesty. Normally I post a short quote and at times a brief add on. However this last week my post was a bit longer than that. A situation had occurred in my life which brought hurt feelings my way. I wrote about this experience in a hope that it would help to clear my energy and help me to release the negative feelings that I was generating.

Half our mistakes in life arise from feeling where we ought to think, and thinking where we ought to feel.

--John Churton Collins

As time progressed though the individual whom I had had the disagreement with communicated with me that this was far from their intention. In retrospect, I considered deleting the post yet decided against it as it was a part of my evolution and therefore should not be taken away nor should I be ashamed of it, especially if I had learned the lesson that I was suppose to learn from it.

Every truth has two sides, it is as well to look at both before we commit ourselves to either

Aesop

Although my perspective was just that, my perspective it was not the only perspective that was seen. I still have the emotion to this issue although I have been able to see it in a broader spectrum; yet it came to a point of agreeing to disagree at least for now as it is still a tender subject matter to discuss between us. I have always been aware that there is more than one side to any situation and often many; yet there are times when frustration and anger can cloud that knowledge from us.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes

.--Oscar Wilde

I guess in a way I am writing this for much the same reason I wrote the other post… to release it from me and move on. To the person who shares this situation with me, know I love you… know that I do not do or say the things I do as a means to hurt or control you… know that communication between us is the most important thing to me and although I may be way more honest at times then I should be, do not expect me to change. I lived in the shadows of secrets when I was young and well into my adult life. It is a place that I do not wish to revisit. It is my hope that in time we will look back with smiles for the lessons and the closeness we received from this experience.

A Thought To Ponder - Honesty

A lie may take care of the present, but it has no future. ~Author Unknown

 This last week I encountered a bit of a hiccup in my otherwise smooth sailing life. To some this incident would be something rather silly and initially one may not think much of it. Yet it has given me quite a blow and I have found myself struggling to get back to my normal self. Solitude has helped somewhat… shopping didn’t hurt… music always makes me happy… yet still I can feel it presence lingering.

A half truth is a whole lie - Yiddish Proverb

The incident that kicked me in the butt so, was someone dear telling me something they knew I wanted to hear yet never meaning a word of it. I am not sure how you like your coffee stirred yet for me I like it straight and black (figuratively speaking – I take it with sugar and cream in real life) I would much rather like someone to tell me the straight truth, even if it is not what I may necessarily want to hear, then to lie to me. Eventually the truth always comes out. When it does it is like bringing up the same damage all over again, thus you get kicked twice instead of just once.

The least initial deviation from the truth

 is multiplied later a thousandfold.

~Aristotle

Usually such an event would not bother me so, yet when it is someone who means more to you than the average Joe on the street, it makes a difference. I have learned over my life experiences that it is fruitless to hold grudges or to harbor on events that may have not been the best to you. Yet I also know that looking at them realistically is also important. In doing this sometimes we have to admit things that we may not necessarily like. This is what I am dealing with most right now. Something that I believed to be true is not necessarily so.

The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff. ~Ambrose Bierce

Thank goodness for busy work, as well as the beauty of nature and big bumblesome dogs who are still puppies. They all seem to help keep one’s mind off of things that may try to burrow their way into ones thoughts when one really would rather they don’t. I know that as the saying goes “this too shall pass” it is just taking a bit longer than usual.