Friday, April 30, 2010

May Eve - A Time to Celebrate

“It was a bright cold day in April and the clocks were striking thirteen.” Well not quite, the clocks are not striking thirteen, yet I did wake up to a bright cold day. They say it will warm up into the 80s by afternoon yet I am not sure if that will occur. The clouds seem to be lingering and the rain seems to want to come again for a bit. I do not mind that too much as it will help in the watering of my yard, which in turn will allow me more time to do other things. It is May eve you know.

For many this is a holiday that is highly celebrated although many may not admit to celebrating it in the manner in which it is truly accustomed to. Beltane as it is more commonly known is a celebrated on May eve (April 30th) and May 1st. The celebration is dedicated to fertility and the returning of the sun. It is a holiday that includes maypole dancing, leaping through fires (Bel-fires) to ensure fertility, feasting, drinking, dancing, as well as acting upon the urges that go along with such activities. By this I mean the act of physical union. In older times the Bel-fires were lit on May eve and the festivities would begin at this time. As the festivities carried on into the night, young men and women would wander into the woods or other places of seclusion before the sun rose on May Day; the girls with garlands of flowers in their hair and the men with branches of trees. It was a time when society’s view of sexuality and fertility was much carefree and not bound with the intense feelings of guilt and shame. It was rather a time to be joyous and allow ones passions to flow freely. There are still people today who likewise celebrate Beltane in a similar manner.

The Maypole is another symbol of that is highly associated with Beltane. A tall pole representing a phallic symbol (although many do not realize this) is placed in an open area. It is decorated with flowers, leaves and brightly colored ribbons which hang from top to bottom. When the dance is to begin each participant takes a ribbon in hand. Half dance to the left while the other half dance to the right. As they do so they wind the ribbon around the pole. It is thought that the pattern created by the dance of the maypole can be predictive of the yield of harvest from the seeds that have been planted.

In many areas a Queen of May is selected. She is chosen on May eve and wears a gold crown with a single gold leaf on it. Flowers are also woven into her crown. In some instances a May King is also chosen and they reign for the time that the festivities continue. Wedding gifts are sometimes made for the King and Queen such as strings of beads, potpourri bags, or garlands of flowers. Such gifts are hung in the trees which surround the festivities. Because of the emphasis on union, Beltane is said to be a good time to announce one’s wedding engagement. In fact in older times, there were trial unions which took place. The hand fasting ( or wedding) would be for a year and a day. Simply they were statements of intent between the couple participating which were not considered to be legally binding. If after such a period the two realized they were not as compatible as first thought, they were allowed to part and go their separate ways. It seems they understood the point that things do change once you start living together.

The wee folk or fairies are also thought to be quite active at this time. Much like is thought at Samhain or Halloween, the veil which falls between the two worlds of humans and fairies is said to be thinnest at this time. It is always a good idea to set out a treat for them on May Eve. A plate of something sweet is always welcomed. A piece of bread with fresh butter and honey is a favorite. Faeries can be a good friend if you welcome them into your home or garden. If you acknowledge them, they in turn will acknowledge you.

May is a month when the earth once again awakens. Bright vivid colors can be seen across the fields as the wild flowers turn their faces upward towards the sun. Their scent flows across the breeze and reminds us why we love this time of year so. The harvest begins from the vegetables and fruits that have been planted. Trips to the Farmer’s Markets are once again a weekly activity. The sun is once again with us. He stays longer than before allowing us to enjoy what he gives that much more. It is a time of excitement and beauty. It is a time when Spring fever reaches its peak, for we are all weary of the cold dampness of winter. As you enjoy today as well as your weekend, take a moment and enjoy all that is around you. Give thanks for all that you have. Remember to not forget your inner child. If only for a moment, release the adult sensibilities that bind you and take pleasure in May Day.

For further information: The Magic Of Beltane - another post of mine

A Wonderful Giveaway - A Wonderful Lady

I truly try to not blog too much about giveaways, unless of course they are as wonderful as this one.  I am sure that many of you know Marie from Art of My Heart.  I truly think she is one of the most giving women I have had the pleasure of knowing.  Over the last 12 months she has had a giveaway each month.  In each of them she has graciously given some of her wonderful art away.  Well this is her last month and her last giveaway.  She is giving away three of her unique pendants (one is pictured to the left.  All you have to do is go to this link and leave a comment.  It is just that easy. Good luck to you all. 

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Pink Moon of April

What a beautiful day it was yesterday. The wind blew somewhat yet that is simply Oklahoma, one gets used to it eventually. The wonderful thing is that as night begins to fall the wind usually diminishes and you are left with an enjoyable evening. Yesterday evening seemed to sit in perfect with this routine. I went out just as the sun was setting to put let Sunny & Sweetie into the garage for their nightly snooze. Yes, they are quite spoiled. Because of the occasional coyotes, I would much rather they spend a safe evening locked up in the garage then risk the possibility of being someone’s dinner. They do not mind it much either.

After they had been tucked in nicely I strolled around the yard at twilight. A wonderful time of the day. The moon was coming up in the East and although I knew that it would not reach its fullness until today, it still shone as if it were. I watched it for some time as it rose into the night’s sky giving its glow to the ground below. As day came to a close and night began, the whippoorwill began to sing its nightly song. The chill returned again without the warmth of the sun to help keep it away. Yet still it was difficult to pull myself away from the moment to return into the warmth of the house.

Today as the day began and the wind once more began with a vengeance, the quietness of last night is far away. The sun is full and with the stout south breeze that blows I know that the day will be a warm one. I am not sure that I will get much yard work done today, although I do need to. Vincent and I found a wonderful deal on some stone last weekend. The large pile that sits to the north of my house is calling to be used to line flower beds and more. I also have some new bedding plants that need to be planted as well as some excess seeds that I wish to sow. Although I have marigolds emerging everywhere it seems from the seeds I scattered last fall, I still have a multitude (2 gallon bags to be exact) that still need to be scattered. I am not sure if they will bloom as they are said to be an annual however the seeds that were tossed last fall have sprouted up nicely.

If by chance the winds prove to be too much to work outdoors today I can always return into the house and do several things. I have the finishing touches on the baby blanket for Nathan that I truly need to finish before I go out to Tennessee after the first of the month. I have a book that I have been reading that I just have a bit more to read until it is finished. I also have the experiements with the new recipes I have been trying out lately that I can always play with. So I do not have to worry about finding something to do.

Once again this evening I am sure I will once again venture outside as the day ends to catch a glimpse of the moon as she climbs the night sky in all her glory. The full moon of April is referred to as the growing moon or sometimes the pink moon. It is a name given because of the pink flowers that fill the meadows in spring, although here in Oklahoma they are mainly yellow and orange. Because of the many willows that inhabit my land and my love of the full moon, I am strongly considering creating a Moon Circle. Already I know the perfect place for it. Another item to place on my to do list. It is amazing how that list never seems to shorten although I am constantly completing tasks.

Be sure to venture outdoors yourself this evening and take a moment to enjoy the Moon as she shows herself in full form. Enjoy her beauty and the peace she brings. Blessings

A Wonderful Giveaway

It seems that during this time of the year the Giveaways are not as abundant as during the fall.  Yet let me assure you that they are just as good.  I found this one yesterday while trying to catch up on my blog reading.  Over at Witchin In the Kitchen she is having her first giveaway. A combination of a bunch of wonderful items will be sent to the winner.  I encourage you to jump over and check out all the goodies. 

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Spring Weather - And All It Brings

Having lived in Oklahoma my whole life, I am quite familiar with a chance of spring storms and the occasional tornado. Oklahoma has definitely had their share. I myself have been blessed to never have had to live through the experience of such a taste of the fury that Mother Nature can give. As far back as I can remember, I have memories of being woken up in the middle of the night and rushed off to sleep the rest of the evening in the cellar while living on the farm. Back in those times the only warning one had was the flash of lightning in the sky allowing you to see the formation of the clouds. Also another sign was the eerie silence that came before all hell broke loose. Time passed and with it came new technology to help forecast the occurrence of such activity in a timelier manner. Although out our back door sits our trusty cellar, it is not used as often as in years past.

Last weekend an outbreak of tornadoes occurred over the southern states with Mississippi getting hit the hardest. The same front had passed through Oklahoma days earlier only bringing colder weather and rain. Yet when it reached further east it was not as kind. The tornado that meandered its way across a 250 mile path was said to be 1.75 miles in diameter at times. It drove a line of devastation for over 10 hours. In the end countless homes were destroyed, 10 people (including 3 children) were killed, and countless lives were changed forever.

Winds of 170 mph ripped through anything that lay in its pathway. The magnitude of the tornado was set at a F4 being only outdone by that of the F5. Some years back such a tornado traveled across Oklahoma. I remember it well even though I was not necessarily in its path. It tracked across the state for what seemed like an eternity; leaving the same path of destruction as did the tornadoes last weekend. It was categorized as the ominous F5. Lives were lost (44 in total), property destroyed and lives likewise changed. The strength was so strong in one of the strongest hit areas that the pavement itself was ripped from the ground. Trees were mangled to look like they were twigs whose tops had been twisted off. Metal from cars and other unidentified objects was intricately twisted in the fence that lined the highway. In some areas there was completely nothing left, not even debris. It was as if all evidence of anything was taken completely away.

I remember when I visited the area hardest hit to see the devastation for myself. The sheer power of the storm amazed me. The manner of it’s pick and choose method also baffled me. In one area where the pavement was no more as well as anything else, just a few hundred yards over sat a nursing home which had not been touched. It stood as if only a good thunderstorm had passed. In choosing as it had, so many lives were spared that day.

One of the hardest hit areas was a small community not far from where I live today. Bridgeport was almost completely destroyed by the storm. One of the smallest survivors was a little girl maybe 2 or 3. She had been lifted up from the storm and blown miles away. A highway patrol found her and at first thought she was a doll yet upon further examination realized it was a child. The video always brings tears to my eyes at the terror so evident in her as she tries desperately to cling to the man as he attempts to examine her to make sure she is ok.

It is amazing to me the force that this world has. Strength beyond what we can at times imagine. I always have a sense of caution in me during this time of year. It does not necessarily control my actions yet it still is ever constant in the back of my mind. Prediction of such events has excelled considerably over the years and yes, we do have the ability to prevent so much more than in earlier years. Yet still one never knows what Mother Nature may have up her sleeve. I have seen storms come to fruition in a matter of minutes giving those in its path little if any notice to react.

A matter of respect for her abilities perhaps… Or maybe it is just the fact that we should treat each moment of our lives as if it could possibly be the last. We should take every opportunity that befalls us to grab those moments that are so precious. This weekend once more has storms in the forecast. Once again it may just be rain; on the other hand I have lived here long enough to know that it has been 11 years since the last big one on May 3rd 1999. We Oklahomans know that the calm can not last forever.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Celtic Tree Month - The Magical Attributes of Willow

agic is strong in the willow tree. The wood of a willow is an exceptional choice for wands or runes, especially if its purpose is for any form of moon magic. In fact Harry Potter's mother Lily possessed a wand which was crafted of Willow.  Just as you would place your divination tools (such as tarot, runes, crystal ball, etc) under the full moon to charge with its positive energy, you can likewise ask the willow to do the same during the month of the willow tree.

Simply place the object you wish to charge in a willow basket. This is best done on a Monday eve. Take the basket outside and place it beneath the willow. Just as you imagine the energy of the full moon coming down to enter and charge your items likewise imagine the willow doing the same filling your item with the power of the moon. When you retrieve your item from beneath the tree be sure and thank the tree for its gift and likewise leave a gift.

Willow is known as a guardian tree and possesses a healing aura. It is said to bless all who touch it. It is often used in love spells and rituals for raising moon energy. It is said to be useful in attempts to call the faeries as they are always said to be near the willows. Carry a small piece of willow with you to help aid in trusting your intuition.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

My Latest Picture of Wiston

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Blessed Earth Day

The first Earth day occurred 40 years ago today, April 22, 1970. It consisted of more than 20 million demonstrators. It was inspired by a speech by Gaylord Nelson in 1969 that stirred the waters and caused the end result. Backed by a theory that every human being residing on the earth deserved the right to live in a natural and healthy environment, the first Earth day occurred.

Today it is believed that almost 1.5 billion people will do over 31 billion “acts of green” all over the world. What can you do to be one of those 31 billion you many ask? There are a number of things. Below are listed just a few

• Build a compost bin. - Building a Compost Pile not only is a wonderful way to recycle, it also gives you a wonderful addition to your garden, rich beautiful soil.  Click the link above for easy instructions on creating your own.

• Recycle – glass, aluminum, plastic, etc - Recycling is a process of taking something at the end of its useful life and using all or part of it to make another product.  The link above leads one to the Recyclo-pedia which covers how to recycle just about anything you can think of. 

• Purchase reusable water bottles - The Effects of water bottles on the enviroment may seem trivial yet it is far from it.  Roughly 1.5 million tons of plastic are expended in the bottling of 89 billion liters of water each year.  The link above goes deeper into this and helps one to understand the need to convert to a reusable water bottle.

• Reusing office supplies - From ink cartridges, to envelopes, cellphones, computers and more many items used everyday in the office can be recycled. OPRA (Office Products Recycling Association) is just one of the organizations that deal with this need.  Dealing in used cell phones and ink cartridges, they give the consumer the opportunity to not only sell their old items yet also buy items that have been refurbished.

• Use Cloth diapers - The average newborn will be changed aproximately 70-80 times each week.  That equals 280-320 diapers a month.  80% of people today use disposable diapers. That is roughly 18 billion diapers making 82000 tons of plastic and 1.3  million tons of wood pulp (250,000 trees) each year. Although some brands have worked to help the disposable be more biodegradable, most diapers take literally hundreds of years to degrade.  Added to this is the fact that neatly tucked into each "package" is its own little "present".  Truly this could become a post all on its own.  Go Diapers  and Cotton Babies are a couple sites where a variety of cloth diapers can be found.  Believe me they are nothing like they used to be.

• Plant a Community Garden - a wonderful way to teach children the lessons of conservation as well as community spirit.  The American Community Garden Association is a wonderful place to start.  Grants and funding can also be found to help aid in the financial aid of such endeavors.

• Consider Living Natural- a simple return to natural and organic living can help tremendously.  Not only is it good for the enviroment  yet it also is a healthy choice.  Natural Living For Women is a nice place to start.

Earth Day should be every day. We as humans casually go along each day too often not thinking about the result of the actions we choose. The waste we incur when so many go without. The needless acts of neglect we display in the name of “convenience”. The acts of abuse we inflict to this wondrous planet that we call our home. Before you say, “this is not me” stop and think about a common day in your life. How long is your shower each day? Do you conserve water? When you turn on the light each morning what kind of light bulb illuminates your room? Is it energy efficient? When you prepare your morning breakfast do you recycle the egg shells and coffee grounds? When you grab that bottle of water is it in a reusable bottle or a plastic one? The list could go on and on. It is the little things that will add up eventually. It is the little things that combined together as one can make the most difference.

Today as you continue through your day and on, think about the footprint you may be leaving on this great planet of ours and what you can do differently to help make it a better place. Not just for yourself but for all those who reside on it as well as all who will. Happy Earth Day.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I Have A New Grand Baby

As many of you may be aware of, I have patiently been awaiting the arrival of my newest grand baby.  Nathanial Charles (Nathan for short) was suppose to have arrived last week on April 12th, yet he would have no part of it.  Personally I think he just wanted to be a Taurus instead of an Aries yet who really knows. :-)  Regardless of the many walks, spicy foods, trampoline bouts, and other things that "are suppose to induce one", Nathan made it very clear that he would come when he wanted to.

Monday mom and dad were told to come into the hospital and the doctor would see about giving little Nathan some encouragement.  After a long day (noon til 2 am) mom was tuckered out and the dr decided to let everyone rest and they would start again Tuesday morning.  After a good nights rest the whole process was started up once again.

At 12:30 pm on April 20th, 2010, Nathan finally decided that his stay in the warmth of his momma's tummy was up and he might as well venture out into the new world to start his little life.  He weighed in at a nice hefty 9 pounds 5 ounces with a length of 21 and 1/4 inches. Mom and baby as well as everyone else are doing just fine.  As for this grandma.... I can not wait to travel east and hold that little bull in my arms.

Preparing For What Is To Come

I glance out the window next to me and see the stillness of the day. The surface of the pond appears as glass except for the occasional ripple from a frog as it slowly meanders in search of a morning meal. The willows hang themselves out over the edge appearing to attempt to dip their slender arms into its coolness. An occasional bird lands to sit upon the welcomed perch and sing softly into its ear. It is a lazy day to say the least. The dew settled heavy this morning giving everything an appearance of tiny diamonds shimmering in the morning sun as it rose from the east. Spring has definitely sprung yet is not in too big of a hurry to welcome the heat of summer.

Cool evenings and damp days have been the norm. The newly planted flowers as well as the others whose seeds were sown in the years before seem to welcome this time of wait. Their roots push down into the soft earth to grab hold and prepare for the warmer temperatures they know will come in time. They drink the cool water of the morning dew as well as wash themselves in the soft slow showers that are a frequent guest at this time. Their faces turn with the warmth of the sun as it comes up each morning and crosses the sky to eventually set in the west and once again take its nightly rest.

It is a time of preparation. It is a time that is as important as the coldness of winter when they return to the warmth of the earth to sleep until a time of awakening. It is a time that is as important as the harvest of autumn when they prepare for such a sleep. Spring, although it is a time when the earth wakes and once again brings forth new life covering the land once again with an array of vibrant colors, is a time to prepare. A time to prepare for the growth that will take place as time passes; A time to prepare for the possibility of days when the heat is harsh and the cool showers that fall now are not seen as often.

So although the days seem slow and somewhat lazy much is happening that we cannot see. I walk my morning walk and take notice of the unseen actions. Likewise I feel the stir in myself. Nature is a wonderful place to recognize the many gifts that are given to us each day… each moment. It has a perfect manner of helping one to see the small things that occur at any given time that help to form this wonderful thing we call life. Mother Nature is forever working, seldom taking a break to rest or a moment to cease her endless call to tend her gift to us. Likewise we should be aware of the continuous effect we ourselves have as we move through this world each day. Do we take notice to the effects our actions or lack thereof has on our surroundings.

Does it matter what footprint you leave as you walk through your life each day. It is something that too often we do not even ponder on occasionally. With each decision we make or don’t make we have left a piece of ourselves. As each piece falls and slowly accumulates what will it create? Will it take root and grow into something that is beautiful or will it be something that hinders growth and restoration?

Monday, April 19, 2010

Celtic Tree Month - Herbal uses of the Willow

ater is the element which represents the Willow tree. She is water seeking, thriving from her preference to reside next to lakes and streams as well as along low lying water meadows. Willow aids in maintaining healthy riverbanks by circumventing erosion. Water and the tidal movements are controlled by the pull of the moon. So it is no surprise that Willow is also connected strongly with the Moon…for it is the moon goddess that controls all waters.

In regards to the herbal uses of willow, Black Willow bark is used to treat gonorrhea and ovarian pain. The white willow contains salicin. This is the active ingredient found in aspirin. White willow bark is used for such things as arthritis, headaches, rheumatic complaints as well as fever. To make willow tea, steep three teaspoons of the bark in one cup of cold water for two to five hours. Boil for one minute and stain. Willow is also available as a powder. In this case, the dose is one teaspoon, three times a day in tea. Willow bark is usually harvested in the spring.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

A Thought To Ponder.......

Unless you try and do something
beyond what you have already mastered.....
You will never grow
-Ronald E. Osborn-

Thursday, April 15, 2010

A Little Bit of Me (We) Time

“I have learned that the greater part of one’s misery or happiness
Is determined not by one’s circumstances but by one’s disposition.”
-Martha Washington-

The last few days I have been busy, working outside in my yard. Last weekend while in town we stopped by a couple local nurseries just to see what they may have and in both cases we fell upon the day when their new shipments had come in plus a nice sale was going on at the same time. Needless to say I took advantage of the situation and purchased the bulk of my intended plants for the season. In doing this I was faced with the task of getting them all in the ground at the same time. Usually I try and stretch them out a bit so that I will not be too overwhelmed. Plus the rains were to start by the later part of the week so I wanted even more to have them planted.

Yesterday I finished planting the last of them. Now this is a feat in itself really. In the past I have not been as quick to get all my purchased plants into the ground at such an efficient rate. Vincent has had a couple of surprise days off from work so today we are going to enjoy the remainder of the day with a nice ride on the Harley. It seems to be a nice reward for working so hard the first half of the week.

Tomorrow the rains begin and all the many tasks that I have to tend to inside will get some much needed attention. Yet for today, I think I am going to relax… and enjoy myself a little… Hope you take a few moments and do the same.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Happy Gardener

Spring makes its own statement,
so loud and clear that the gardener seems to be only one of the instruments, not the composer.
~Geoffrey B. Charlesworth

It seems this year that spring has taken its sweet time. Yet when it finally did decide to arrive it truly made a grand entrance. I am not sure if it was just the fact that I have been yearning so for it, yet it seems to me that this year is quite different than most. As I look out and see how Mother Nature is behaving it appears that instead of having a leisurely come and go event she has decided this year to have one big blow out party.

Everything seems to be blooming at the same time. Pollination of trees, grasses, weeds, and flowers seem to all be occurring in unison. Although this party has been playing havoc with my allergies, I have to admit that I am quite enjoying it. It has been some time since the colors have been as brilliant as they appear to be now.

It finally seems that the warm weather has come to stay so I have finally started my planting. Completely new varieties of flowers have been purchased and are currently being strategically placed throughout my yard and in the various gardens. The many others that were planted in years past have begun to sprout up everywhere. I am finally seeing some noticeable results from my previous efforts. Still this year I tried only to purchase perennials, with the exception of a few annuals that I plant in the pots around the back porch. Columbine, English daisies, Bleeding hearts, blanket flowers, and so many more still needs to be planted.

The Willows have leafed out nicely and are already lending their song to my afternoons when the breeze blows. They have always been one of my favorites in the summer. As the south breeze blows across the waters and through the willows one cannot help but relax. The frogs also have returned. I was somewhat worried last fall as it seemed that some of the larger ones disappeared earlier than normal and I feared that they may had been harvested by some of those who have admired their size and eatability. (I am not sure that is a word) Yet it seems that most of them are back with us and just as large as ever.

It has truly been a wonderful spring thus far, well worth waiting for.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Celtic Tree Month - The Emotional Willow

he month of willow begins this week on April 15th and continues until May 12th. The Willow tree is deep with emotions and is known for its intense powers of divination. Its branches have great resilience and are capable of bending without breakage far more than most trees. The willow spreads its branches in a graceful manner, draping them towards the ground. As the winds blow, they sway to and fro in an almost melodic sense. It is said to sit beneath the branches of a willow tree helps to calm one’s energy. I can believe this as willows encircle the pond which sits near my back porch. Nothing is more soothing then to sit with a soft breeze and watch them as they slowly sway. They sing with a voice that only the willow has.

Willow has often been used as a symbol for forsaken love. If you see one wearing a sprig of willow, it is a sign they are nursing a heartache. The willow has also been associated with sadness and darkness. Willows were planted near Roman burial sites and also used as a motif for gravestones in Victorian England and America. Because of its lightness, Willow is often used in the making of artificial limbs. 

Befriending a willow and tending to its needs is said to give one a friend for life. They in turn will give to you. Willow is one of the nine sacred woods for a sabbat fire, in which it represents death. Willow is also used to secure the birch twigs to the ash handle of a traditional witch’s broom. Another name for the willow is Tree of Enchancement.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Thank Goodness Its Friday -

Well Friday is finally here and I have to say I am glad.... It has been an eventful week that seemed to run by quite quickly to say the least, yet also seemed to drag itself out. Is that possible? Monday started full steam and it appeared that I would do a wonderful job of getting all my chores and want to do list completed or at least a good start to them... The weather was nice and still I stayed inside and did the things I knew had to be started.

Tuesday came and since I did such a great job the day before, I splurged a bit and did not do as much... Played with Winston and the cats, read my new book, and worked on my Celtic Tree Lore postings. I am trying to get them worked up ahead so I can just have them scheduled to post. It was a relaxing day and quite enjoyable.

Then Wednesday came..... I should know better than to slack too much so early in the week; although it has always been my problem to this. I always think I have plenty of time to get things done. Yet Wednesday morning greeted me with a wonderful bout with my allergies. And believe me I do mean that sarcastically. It was anything but wonderful. Puffy watery eyes, runny nose, the works. I started the medicine immediately even though I had been on my Allegra for a couple weeks already. And just like usual, the day I “thought” I would be catching up I truly did feel like not doing a darn thing. Yes there were things I did need to do like take Winston out for his potty breaks, which I am sure the neighbors enjoyed. I walked like an 80 year old woman. He wanted so to play yet I was just not up to running with him like I usually do.

So my entire Wednesday was shot. Nothing really got done. I just sat and tried like ever to keep my nose from running all over me. My highlight of the day was finding a can of chicken noodle soup for supper… I took a Benadryl that evening and was out like a light. Winston also was a good boy and slept all through the night until 6 am. When I woke yesterday I felt a bit better and so I was back at it… Completed the paper work I needed to get done and cleaned my kitchen and did some laundry. Wrote and posted my weekly writings on Ewitch - About My Love of Gardening and felt pretty good. The day was simply wonderful with no wind at all.   I had to go outside and enjoy it just a bit. While I was out I could see the yard and how it needed mowing.

Not a good idea for someone who was combating allergies yet I figured I could at least mow the back around the porch. It would not take me that long and the fresh air would do me good. Well when all was said and done, I had mowed the entire yard. I will say that it does look worlds better yet I did pay for it as evening rolled around. The allergies came back to visit while I watched Survivor and continued until I went to bed. It probably did not help matters that I was a bit vocal at the stupidity of the people on Survivor. Winston thinks I am mad I know as there was no one to listen to my disgust but him and he didn’t really want to hear it.

We both went to bed early and woke this morning to another nice day. The stuffy nose is still with me and more than likely will be for a few more days. Yet I am determined to get a few more things done today. I have errands to run, and a few chores to finish, then the weekend… Vincent comes home this evening and no more early morning potty break calls at least for a couple days. By Monday hopefully this runny nose will be gone and I will have a new grandbaby to talk about. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend. Blessings

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

My Choice - A Little Rant

Approximately 13 years ago my life was at a point where I could no longer continue in the manner I had been for the previous 17 years. My marriage had evolved to a point where although I was willing to consider working to resolve any and all of the cracks that had grown through the years, I knew that it was a near to impossible thought. It is impossible to constructively work on any issues if both sides are not willing to give 100% in order to accomplish the task. I knew that I could no longer live in the manner in which I had been. I also knew that there were three kids who would also go on this crazy ride and this was possibly the one thing that almost made me stay and endure despite the slow erosion that I could see occurring to my being. Yet in the end I made the decision that I knew was the right one for myself.

I knew that if I was not to tend to myself and see that I had the possibility to be myself, I would never be able to give to my children all that I had inside of me. I had already kept from them so much of me through the early years of their lives because of the union I had been a part of. Thus I started my journey down this path that in the beginning looked to be the roughest I would ever choose. I remember many times when I sat in the dark and asked myself what had I done? Why had I left the “normalness” of my previous life? Why did I choose to be shunned by prior friends because of the rumors that my ex choose to spread? Why did I choose to lose any financial security I had. Why did I choose to let my children go through this ordeal?

Each time I sat there, by the end of my questioning I would always come to the same conclusion. I choose to do what I did because I could see no other way to get back any piece of myself that may still be there. For 17 years I had allowed my identity to be taken and put in a closet. I allowed my children to be born and raised to near their teenage years never really knowing who their mother was. All because I thought that eventually it would change. All because I thought that no one could be so selfish and uncaring.

In the beginning it was hard… It was close to impossible at times. The dark tunnels I traveled all alone had such a grip on me that I feared I would never find any glimmer of light that would eventually lead me to what I wanted so much to believe was somewhere out there for me. Of course I made some not so good choices. I am thankful that such choices did not devour me as they easily could have. I am not sure what exactly it was that gave me the strength to keep getting up each time I slipped back into the darkness. I just know that I did not want to remain there any longer. I did not want my children to remember me in such a way.

It has been 13 years since I started this journey. The road has eased much, yet still there are times when it lends memories of the past rough terrain. I am not sure if it will ever become absent of such travel yet its frequency has lessened greatly, occurring only unfortunately when the 3 children that started the journey with us are involved. Still it tugs at me as before. He always knew how to get to me the quickest…with my children. I will say that I am much better at dealing and responding to such action at this time in my life. Although difficult sometimes, I have to allow him his behavior. I have to be careful that he does not pull me into his drama and in his manipulative way form the outcome to appear that I am in the wrong.

This has forever been a fine line and will continue to be. Yet I have been through trials before in my life. I have learned that release is the best combative force one can use. To hold onto anger only creates bitterness. In the end, bitterness will only affect and damage me. It will never have any affect towards righting any of the wrongs that I feel may have been played against me. It will not demand any justice from him who initially caused this feeling inside of me. It will only sit deep inside of me. Covering me slowly with its blackness until eventually I would be consumed completely. Soon all whom I would care about would be affected by this disease. Soon because of its ugliness they would be tempted to keep their distance. Soon I would be all alone left only with my anger and the blackness it had created.

So I choose to release…to let go of the desire to get even or to get back when still he taunts me with his subtle ways. To ignore the attempts to still compete with me in regards to the children and now the grandchildren. Some may think that I should do something… Stand up for myself… And maybe someday if the fates allow me that perfect opportunity when I know that all is aligned as it should be I will speak the words that I should have said a long time ago. Yet until that moment comes, I will not allow his bitterness to affect me. I will move on with my life. I will enjoy the newness and joys that have replaced the prior. I will release my pain.

I have used this same method of dealing with unpleasant issues throughout my life. Some are done easily and quickly while others take a bit more time and sometimes are quite painful. Yet travel is so much easier when we choose not to take along any needless excess baggage that has no purpose on our journey. In the end only weighting us down and keeping us from many of the wonderful places we could see and experience if only we were not so burdened and worn by our heavy load. I can only speak for myself… yet I would like to see as much of this life as possible, especially the good stuff. Blessings to you all.