The Healing Power Of Forgiveness

Forgiveness… once again the truth posts bring us to this topic. Yet this week it is forgiving someone other than ourselves.

Truth #4:  Something You Need to Forgive Someone For

I have had many things occur throughout my life, both young and old where forgiveness was necessary in order to move on with myself in a healthy manner. I like to think that I am able to deal with such issues a bit better than in previous times yet I am always wary to say anything like that as it is somewhat like praying for patience.

Yet in my life an event occurred that taught me a great deal of the need for forgiveness and the true gift that it can give to one if they chose to act upon it. Growing up in an alcoholic/abusive family was by far not the most fun I have ever had. Sometimes I think my saving grace was the fact that my father did not like me. In fact he made a point of telling me just that whenever he did speak to me which was seldom. Because of this I managed to escape much of the behavior that my older sister and brother had to endure. Unfortunately I did not escape it entirely.

When my mother finally got the courage to leave him, I thought that it was finally over and we could commence to have a “normal” life. Yet never say never as I learned later on in my life. It was several years later, when I was thirty years old that I would be faced with decisions I thought I would never have to make. My father was ill, or so I was told by my aunts and uncles and he needed to be taken to the VA hospital. I am really not sure why yet it fell upon me to do this task.

I will be honest and say that it was something that I did not want to do. If I never set eyes on this man again it would not bother me. He had taken so much from me as a child. Not only did he take my ideal of a father figure, he also took my family life away. I struggled with the wonderment as to why he disliked me so and why he said the awful things he said to me. I struggled with the abuse he brought to my mother and older brother and sister and later myself. I did not wish to have to “be nice” to him.

Maybe it was the Christian influence in me that gave me a feeling of being obligated to tend to him I am not sure. But the fact is that I eventually did take him to the hospital. It was a humbling experience that first time I saw him again. He was definitely sick and I could not help but feel sorry for him and also ashamed at myself that I had been so selfish with myself.

Over the next few years we would take him to his doctor appointments and such. I even allowed my children to meet him as I did not want to be the reason they never knew their grandfather. Fortunately this did not happen too often as I am not sure if I could have taken it on a regular basis. I remember my older sister and myself going to visit him one day. He was sick and it was a matter of time when he would finally pass. We asked him to consider coming closer to where his family was so that his last days would be with family. He refused. I remember before I left I confronted him in regards to earlier times and much of what had occurred. He sat there speechless. Yet when I left I remember feeling at peace.

That night I awoke from a dream. In it I could hear my father calling my name. He kept asking me to help him. Yet I could not see him. It was dark and foggy and regardless how hard I looked I could see nothing. When I woke, I remember looking at the clock. It was 12:43 AM. The next morning I received a call that my father had passed the night before. It was not until some time later that I learned that his time of death was 12:43 AM.

I was the only one in the family that cleared their conscious with my father. I was the only one who “forgave” him. It was more the starting process of forgiveness, yet in doing so it released a huge burden from me. My brother and sister did not forgive him before his death. I have seen the implications of this over the years and it has only strengthened my beliefs for the need of forgiveness.

Yes, I still get upset with others for things they do or don’t do. I still do not always release my anger and/or resentment immediately. Yet I have learned that inevitably it is something that will need to be done. Forgiveness is never simple yet it is always necessary to move on. Forgiving my father was not an easy task and there were many at the time who did not understand my actions. Yet at the time it was what was right for me and I am thankful that I had the opportunity to do so. It is a burden I no longer carry.

Truth #2 - To Love Thyself

To love oneself… Such a simple statement yet truly something that some find difficult if not impossible. Although with such an accomplishment comes great rewards. One usually does not realize the magnitude of this until it is finally achieved. Because when one learns to truly love themselves they are open to give to others all of what they truly possess. No matter how giving one may be they cannot give their full selves to anything or one until they can give it to themselves.

This week in the continuing journey of Truth posts, we fall onto

 #2: Something you love about yourself

If this question had been asked of me some time back I am not sure if I could have answered it with the openness and honesty that I do today. I think this is mainly because I had not reached that point of truly loving myself and also I had not realized other things as well. Although these days there are many things that I “love” about myself I think the one thing that makes me smile the most is the fact that I can now be still and enjoy the small blessings that come to one on a daily basis. The little things that occur to everyone everyday yet too many times we allow them to pass us by never really realizing them for all they are.

Four years ago I was encouraged to leave my job of several years. My daughter was beginning her nursing career and I agreed to take care of my grandkids on the days that she worked her 12 hours shifts. For any of you who know anything about me you know that this probably took little if any encouragement as I love spending time with my grandkids. The time that I was allowed to share with them in the early years of their lives will forever be one of my fondest blessings. We spent days not worried about whether or not the house was tidy and spotless. A new episode of SpongeBob Squarepants was far more important. We did not have to sit still and be quiet; we sang as loud as we pleased and danced to our hearts content whenever we felt like it. Yet my favorite times would have to be the evenings before bedtime. Tucking them in with plenty of hugs and kisses; reading them one two or maybe three bedtime stories, then of course those talks in the dark about all the occurrences of the day before and pondering on all the questions that life had to offer. These many moments of bliss by far helped me to realize the need to enjoy and relish the tiny blessings of life.

Yet sooner than I would have liked, they moved and my daily routine was drastically changed again. I had grown accustomed to these little contentments that had come my way and I missed having them. I knew that I would have to find these joys in other ways. I turned to my garden. I had a great love for the out of doors and the magic that Mother Earth can give. I had been taught this love by my grandma as well as another woman in my early life named Thelma. Both instilled in me a love of the garden, whether it be flower, herbs, or vegetable. They taught me the wonders that the earth can give to one if we only but tend her.

So I turned to my own yard and began to cultivate. There is something about the smell of the earth as it is turned and the fresh soil is uncovered. Vincent always gets upset with me because I do not wear my gloves when I tend my yard yet there is just something about the feel of it against my bare skin that I do not want to miss. I am just as bad in wearing shoes. I think I would go barefoot all the time if I could get by with it. The fresh grass against ones bare feet is one of my favorite senses.

Over the last few years I have worked my yard intently learning each year something new in regards to what to grow, how to grow it and how to tend it. I have cultivated my seeds and reharvested them again the next year. I love the fact that I am planting new generations of my plants. This last summer my sunflowers were third generation and next I will plant a fourth. I have raised a small oak from what was a small sapling when we first moved here to now a young tree which towers well above my head. These simple joys are things I would not trade for anything and I am so thankful that I was given the chance to realize them and also to appreciate them… I love that I am easily pleased; that something that cost nothing can make me so happy and feel so complete. I love that I have such simple things in my life to bring me the joy that surrounds me on a daily basis. I love that my eyes and my mind as well as my heart is open so that I can see the blessings that are everywhere each day. And I love that I do not allow the petty things in life to sit too heavy on me knowing that when it all comes to an end these things usually are not that important anyway.

What do you love about yourself? Ask yourself that question and you may just be surprised with what your answer may be.

Truth - Being Honest With Yourself (And Others)

Recently on scanning through the multitude of blogs that I am behind in reading, I came across one that twinked me and got me to thinking.  Because I was further behind in reading then I dare like to admit, the topic was repeated.  I soon found that there were several others who had chosen to take on this challenge and soon I found myself interested in it as well.

I am speaking of the 30 days of Truth blogs that have been sprouting up here and there.  I first saw it over at Fairies Sage who stated in her first day of Truth that she found it from Pamela at Sweet Soliloquies who in turn found it from The Karma Project.  The premise is to write about the topic in question each day, week, which ever one chooses yet to be truthfully honest about it.  A bit harder than it sounds if you really are honest... The full list of 30 topics can be found on The Karma Project - 30 Posts of Truth. 

I have decided to participate in this endeavor mainly because I think it could be interesting and when one delves into oneself one is always bound to learn something new.  I have chosen yet to do my 30 days of Truth as a weekly post each Friday.  Here goes: 

Truth #1 - Something You Hate About Yourself

Interesting way to start it all off... I try hard not to hate anything really.. I have always found hate to be such a strong word and felt that it brings such a negative aire with it.  Yet if I were to change that to Something I dislike about myself that is a different matter.  

I am an introspective kind of a person... Being a quiet child and a watcher it gave me plenty of time to sit back and examine things including myself... Sometimes I truly dislike the fact that I do overthink.  As being a thinker, it can also lead me to over think some things.  I find myself at times taking situations and because I ponder on them at times for a lengthy time, I tend to hold myself back from possibly doing or saying something that should have been done much sooner than I eventually do. 

I have learned some valuable lessons with this "trait" over time.  As in anything it has its positives and its negatives.  It also enables me to look at a situation from more than just my perspective and therefore possibly see sides that are not like my own.  Over time it has taught me to not be too lofty in my thoughts that my view is the only view... Believe me I still have a strong voice if there is something that I feel strongly about yet it has softened it somewhat.  Although there may be some that do not agree with that.  If they only knew the wrath of my Scorpio way in the true light they would realize just how true that statement is. 

I am learning to come to a humble medium with this part of myself that in the beginning I felt was a good trait and yet in time learned that it has (as does all things) its negative side.  I try to find the good in the negative as I feel it is always there.  And although something may seem like it is not that pleasant tasting the effects of it may prove to be something that brings forth the exact thing that one needs.  So although I dislike the fact that I over think things at times... I am also grateful that I do, for that added time that I have given some situations have proven to be the time I needed to see the truth come to light.  If I had reacted rather than responded I would have eaten much more crow in my life.. And I can attest that it is not a pleasant taste to have to swallow.