Wednesday, April 7, 2010

My Choice - A Little Rant

Approximately 13 years ago my life was at a point where I could no longer continue in the manner I had been for the previous 17 years. My marriage had evolved to a point where although I was willing to consider working to resolve any and all of the cracks that had grown through the years, I knew that it was a near to impossible thought. It is impossible to constructively work on any issues if both sides are not willing to give 100% in order to accomplish the task. I knew that I could no longer live in the manner in which I had been. I also knew that there were three kids who would also go on this crazy ride and this was possibly the one thing that almost made me stay and endure despite the slow erosion that I could see occurring to my being. Yet in the end I made the decision that I knew was the right one for myself.

I knew that if I was not to tend to myself and see that I had the possibility to be myself, I would never be able to give to my children all that I had inside of me. I had already kept from them so much of me through the early years of their lives because of the union I had been a part of. Thus I started my journey down this path that in the beginning looked to be the roughest I would ever choose. I remember many times when I sat in the dark and asked myself what had I done? Why had I left the “normalness” of my previous life? Why did I choose to be shunned by prior friends because of the rumors that my ex choose to spread? Why did I choose to lose any financial security I had. Why did I choose to let my children go through this ordeal?

Each time I sat there, by the end of my questioning I would always come to the same conclusion. I choose to do what I did because I could see no other way to get back any piece of myself that may still be there. For 17 years I had allowed my identity to be taken and put in a closet. I allowed my children to be born and raised to near their teenage years never really knowing who their mother was. All because I thought that eventually it would change. All because I thought that no one could be so selfish and uncaring.

In the beginning it was hard… It was close to impossible at times. The dark tunnels I traveled all alone had such a grip on me that I feared I would never find any glimmer of light that would eventually lead me to what I wanted so much to believe was somewhere out there for me. Of course I made some not so good choices. I am thankful that such choices did not devour me as they easily could have. I am not sure what exactly it was that gave me the strength to keep getting up each time I slipped back into the darkness. I just know that I did not want to remain there any longer. I did not want my children to remember me in such a way.

It has been 13 years since I started this journey. The road has eased much, yet still there are times when it lends memories of the past rough terrain. I am not sure if it will ever become absent of such travel yet its frequency has lessened greatly, occurring only unfortunately when the 3 children that started the journey with us are involved. Still it tugs at me as before. He always knew how to get to me the quickest…with my children. I will say that I am much better at dealing and responding to such action at this time in my life. Although difficult sometimes, I have to allow him his behavior. I have to be careful that he does not pull me into his drama and in his manipulative way form the outcome to appear that I am in the wrong.

This has forever been a fine line and will continue to be. Yet I have been through trials before in my life. I have learned that release is the best combative force one can use. To hold onto anger only creates bitterness. In the end, bitterness will only affect and damage me. It will never have any affect towards righting any of the wrongs that I feel may have been played against me. It will not demand any justice from him who initially caused this feeling inside of me. It will only sit deep inside of me. Covering me slowly with its blackness until eventually I would be consumed completely. Soon all whom I would care about would be affected by this disease. Soon because of its ugliness they would be tempted to keep their distance. Soon I would be all alone left only with my anger and the blackness it had created.

So I choose to release…to let go of the desire to get even or to get back when still he taunts me with his subtle ways. To ignore the attempts to still compete with me in regards to the children and now the grandchildren. Some may think that I should do something… Stand up for myself… And maybe someday if the fates allow me that perfect opportunity when I know that all is aligned as it should be I will speak the words that I should have said a long time ago. Yet until that moment comes, I will not allow his bitterness to affect me. I will move on with my life. I will enjoy the newness and joys that have replaced the prior. I will release my pain.

I have used this same method of dealing with unpleasant issues throughout my life. Some are done easily and quickly while others take a bit more time and sometimes are quite painful. Yet travel is so much easier when we choose not to take along any needless excess baggage that has no purpose on our journey. In the end only weighting us down and keeping us from many of the wonderful places we could see and experience if only we were not so burdened and worn by our heavy load. I can only speak for myself… yet I would like to see as much of this life as possible, especially the good stuff. Blessings to you all.

20 comments:

Wendilea said...

Thank you for sharing what could also have been my story as well. I have made peace with my choices (and friends with my ex) and yet as we evolve new areas for growth arise. It is worth the effort to remain true to oneself. Blessings!

SpiritPhoenix said...

I'm so proud of you. Choosing to take the more difficult road in order to gain much. I'm sure it will always be there. Such is the way with the past. And you're moving forward, away from the negativity and the bitterness.

Kudos to you Chica! Keep on walking the walk!

Crystalrainbow said...

Thank you for sharing it all sounded very familiar as im sure it will to many others but i get great comfort now from all the new friends i have found along the way and for the new hopes and dreams. I still slip from time to time and have my grey days but they get less and less as the years pass.
Your post made me shed a few tears but it reasuring were not alone xxx

Stella Seaspirit said...

You are remarkable! Bright Blessings*

mxtodis123 said...

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. I've been through the same thing. I can't tell you how many times I had everything packed and changed my mind because of my sons, but one day I realized that staying together for the sake of the kids was not beneficial to them. I'd been through it with my parents, and for a child, it's a very unhappy road to travel. So, one day I packed and carried it through....in 1991. It's been a bumpy road with many curves, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Had I not made that decision 19 years ago, I would not have found my soul mate.
Mary

the wild magnolia said...

A glimple of our true self gives us courage to wiggle free of someone else's image of who we should be.

Sometimes when we begin a thing our idea of it changes. We grow out of a relationship to small for us.

Family changes require something of each person. I like to think it opens new vistas of discovery for everyone, once the dust has settled.

We cannot, nor would we want to, control another person. We need room to breathe and be. If this isn't available we begin to wither inside. Change we must or dry up and settle for something less than living.

Blessings and wishes for a good week.

Linda in New Mexico said...

Many times in this life, we are brought together with like minds. That is not by accident or chance but by grace. Many other comments prove that we share a common thread and everyone's tapestry is embellished because of one person's pain or sorrow or joy or triumph when shared with these like minded persons.
The Navajo have a saying "Walk in Beauty". Not always the easiest path but always the most rewarding.
(((hugs))) until next time

Bogaman said...

I agree with what Mary said. You shouldn't stay in a relationship for the kids. You may think it is for thier benefit, but in most cases it is not. Besides, when they become old enough, they can see how things are in spite of how one of parties may try to influence them. Many have traveled your path. It does get better with time. X.

michel said...

As with so many others I recognise myself in your post all too well. My own decision came last summer and it has been a long hard slog for the last few months but, even at my darkest times, I could see how much more of myself I was and how much happier that made me. It feels odd to think that this time last year I was so lost in many ways. Strength and blessings to you and all those who are going through similar experiences... as unpleasant as it is they serve a purpose and bring us closer to ourselves eventually x

Mother's Moon's Message said...

thank you all so much for your wonderful comments... I am not sure really why I posted this... Usually I do not write about such personal things yet it just came out and so I posted. It has been a long time since it all began... and much has changed. Healing and goodness truly does come with time.... Thank you so much again....

WyldeSage said...

I can fully understand what you have gone through, as I have gone through it myself..thankfully though, I did not have children with my ex, so it was easier to part ways, although that initial day that I left, was the hardest and best thing I ever did for myself...that was 3 years ago, and I am in a much happier place. I still have a lot of hurt and anger, but I know it will get easier over time, the more I let go of it. It is scary, but we need to be with people who take us at our best and worst, and love us for everything...I am glad you found that as have I and so many others..thank you for sharing that.

Nydia said...

Thank you. I'm in the beggining of the path you started 13 years ago. Your words... I can't express what they meant to me right now, here in my darkened bedroom, late night, while my little witch is sleeping behind my chair. All I can say is thank you.

Kisses from Nydia.

sheree said...

what an amazing lesson for us, to learn from such a huge experience for you.
I have friends in similar situations and its a painful dance to watch, but I can only offer my advice and sit back and wait if they ever come to me.
Thankyou for helping me understand how it feels.
I hope you are delving deep to reclaim yourself, you seem pretty wonderful to me!! xxx

xxx
sheree

Dede said...

I stayed in a marriage for 11 years, telling myself that things would get better. One morning I got up and took a very long look in the mirror and decided it was time to move on with life and the kids and I did. Thank you for sharing something so very personal, it sure brought back a lot of memories.

(((HUGS)))

Not Hannah said...

This is a brave post. Thank you for it.

Oberon's Wood said...

Oh my little Janie...
You know you did the right thing...you wouldn't be with your love now...if you hadn't...(and he looks so cool posing next to his bike ;0))
I'm glad you posted this...it explains a lot about you my friend...and why I love you...xxx
And you know your children understand what your ex is trying to do...they aren't fools...they'll see through his words...

So now...my lovely girl...go soak up some Spring Sunshine...
You've been whining for it all year...and leave them ol' doldrums where they belongs!
Love ya :0)

The Stag Warrior said...

I don't really have the words for what I think of this post. It's amazing, and I too echo the sentiments of everyone who has commented. My own journey has also been one that has similarities to yours, but in a much different way. I recently left a 20 year relationship that was in essence a creation of a pseudo-me, a person that I was not, and was healthy for neither party, nor the children that I fathered. It was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make, but I too knew that things would never change unless I acted. You are an inspiration, and thank you for sharing.

Mother's Moon's Message said...

I questioned my posting of this story, as I am not one to talk freely about my ordeals, yet I am thankful I did. It is always comforting to know that there are others who feel or have felt the same. I did not have this comfort early on in my journey so to be able to give it now means a great deal to me.

And Cee... what can I say to you... You always know how to kick me in the butt at just the right angle. you are a dear friend indeed.

The Lucy and Dick Show said...

Recognizing what is happening and what to do is the start. Living with it and making change happen are the choices. It sounds like you've made the right choices for yourself, That's good!

Suzie said...

I've been wanting to post a response every since you wrote this entry, but I didn't want to do it in haste.

You say that you don't usually post things this personal, and yet you did. I've found that in the grand scheme of things, there was a reason, but you may never know about it. Or, you may find out a lot later, that someone who follows your blog needed to read your story at a very critical time in their life, and you were an enormous help to them. I truly feel that this is the reason that you felt compelled to share part of your history.

And as for your own situation, for all of the doubts and the struggles, just look at you!!! Look how strong you've become! You are a survivor!! Sadly, lots of women do turn back, or they keep making the same mistakes, but you bravely went forward, carving out your own Path! I'm SO proud of you!!

And one day, when the time is right for you, you will calmly look your ex right in the eye, and not flinch away when he tries to burrow into your thoughts, and you will tell him nicely, but firmly, that he can stop trying, because he has absolutely no control over you any longer. .and for a brief moment, he will stare deeper into your eyes, only to find a firm, but peaceful resolve, with no animosity, no wasted emotion on him, whatsoever, and he will realize that he is "zero" in your mind and heart. Once that hits him, that will be the end of him using mind games, or word triggers to try and control, or upset you. And you will feel the most exhilirating feeling of strength and freedom that you have ever experienced! I promise you.

Many Hugs