Yes, I know my picture is big, I intended it that way. It just seemed to need to be that way. Yesterday I posted in a manner in which I am not accustomed. It had been gnawing at me for some time yet me being the kind that does not like to wear my feelings or my issues (past or present) on my sleeve for the world to see; I kept putting it off. It is a scary thing to place yourself out there defenseless in a sense. Allowing others to see the soft underbelly of yourself. Knowing that with such information others now know a piece of your achilles heel. Yet time lended itself to doing so and I finally gave into my urges.
So many of you came back with such heartfelt comments. Some of you were a bit honest yourselves and shared some similiar feelings or experiences from your past or present. And some of you brought tears to my eyes with the manner in which you expressed yourselves.
Yule is a time of quiet reflection. A time when we have turned into ourselves after the harvest of the previous month. A time after giving thanks for all that we had come our way in the past year. The slowness of this time can not help but bring one to look at themselves. This has been my course this last few months. As I have stated in previous posts, my time of change had always been spring. Yet this year, fall and winter seem to have taken over this task. Truly if I were honest, I would admit that this whole year has been a constant evolution of change.
I remember this time last year, my thoughts towards the coming year of 2009 were hard to read. I could see only black yet I had this reassuring feeling that it was nothing to fear. It was a feeling that things would be bleak yet there would be nothing to worry about and I need not get overwhelmed about the change that would happen. And true to my vision that is exactly what occurred. My world was turned completely around. My grandkids moved and left a void that I did not realize until it occurred. Vincent's work slowed to the crawl of a snail . Other occurances happened also; most of which I was not expecting yet still I never worried. There was always this calmness in me.
I worked through my empty nest with my grandkids and realized that it was only a transition in our relationship. The closeness would not disappear only take on a new face with new facets. We had shared the early years and our bond had been forged. The time that Vincent was not working allowed us to become closer in a new way. We realized the likeness we both shared that before, time did not allow us to explore. This time also allowed me to look hard at myself. I no longer had many of the distractions or excuses as before to keep be from doing so.
I began to see myself simply as me... Not a mother, not a grandma, but as a woman who once again was on her own (save the wonderful company of Vincent). I began to think of my passions, my desires, my wants and it began to excite me...fall came and went and winter is fast approaching, I find myself once again looking ahead at the new year. The beginning of November beckoned in another cycle and I can feel its newness. The blackness that shrouded the previous year is lifting and there is light in the distance.
Today is a new beginning. Not only in regards to myself, yet also for each one of you and the billion of others that walk this world. It is an opportunity to change, to do more, to do less, to follow that which is so strongly calling your name. The choice falls equally on each of us. No one has more, no one has less of the ability to do any of what is laid before them.
That was the first paragraph I wrote when I began Mother Moon back in July of this year. Much has happened in those 6 months. I have made many new friends. Friends that have helped me to see that which I was unable to see before; many without even realizing it. I have come to realize that I truly do have a purpose and the abilities to complete that purpose. I have grown in strength and stamina regarding my beliefs and that which I feel so strongly to be calling me. I have always been a believer in fate and that there are things that are destined to occur, it is just our choice to decide how we deal with the opportunities.
I by no means consider myself arrived; I think I have just learned how to ride the ride a little better than before. I look forward to the ventures that are in store for me; the new people I will meet, the opportunities that will come my way good and bad, and the lessons that will be learned by each one. Sounds more like a new years post yet in a way it is. Thank you to all of you who have shared with me, cried with me, laughed with me, and just been with me. I wish you all a very blessed Yule. I hope that regardless of your surroundings that you feel the warmth of friends and family and the precious gift of love. And know that although it may sound cliche I am here for you. An ear to listen and a heart to care. Take care and have a wonderful weekend.