Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The Quickening

I woke up this morning with a sense of urgency. Although I will admit that the energy to support this urgency was not as strong. Still I rose and decided that it is time that I finally get my butt in gear. Honestly I am not sure exactly what I am getting my butt in gear for. It is a variety of things really. From being more dedicated to my craft, to following through on things I know I am being called to do.

 To be honest, I feel as if I have done nothing more then whine this last week or so.  Something that I do not like to do or even more to admit that I am doing.  Yet I can not help but feel that way today... I could say I have been this way because of the lack of sunlight. Causing me to fall in a somewhat down state and rightfully so as the sun has not shown itself for more than a week.  Being the lover of sunshine that I am, when it is absent I truly do get down... Yet that seems a poor excuse for such a mood and not adequately fulfilling for an explanation of my behavior.  I  know that you may be saying what behavior, or possibly you are saying "you are darn right".  I try not to bring the negative things of my life too much in the forefront.  I believe that dwelling too much on such things can do nothing more than keep you smack in that which you wish so hard to escape.  Therefore I do my best to keep the optimistic view.  Sometimes to a fault. 

Yesterday  I observed Imbolc in the best manner I could.  I say it in this manner as I will be honest and admit that it is the first time I actually did just that.  For some time I have been drawn to the pagan path and have done my best to follow it yet I think what I realized yesterday was that I still was not giving it everything.  I have spoken in the past in regards to the influence of the Church on my early life and how because of this it was difficult to follow the pagan path I now choose.  A sense of guilt is put upon you to feel as if anything that is not of the "church" is wrong and evil.  As I think on it I can easily see how  ridiculous this sounds, yet the pressure is there.  I know that there may be those who in reading this think that is not true.  And I will admit that there are some who are truly accepting of all.  Yet I also know that there will be those who as they read this will know exactly what I am talking about.

I am still somewhat apprehensive in regards to speaking out too boldly in regards to my beliefs and such.  I do have other blogs yet I made a decision some time back that I was not going to keep myself hidden any longer and I made all my sites known to all.  I have not necessarily gotten any negative feedback from any friends or family beacuse of what they  may have read on  any of my posts.  Yet I do come from a family that confrontation is not the norm.  It would be dealt with more in a silent manner; with odd looks and whispers.  That really doesn't bother me anymore though.  I am getting old enough that I do not have the time to worry about such things, nor do I want to. 

I feel as if I have been blessed by the abundance of people I have come to know here in blogland.  And am amazed at the many who feel very similiar to myself. I can not help but wonder about those of older times when the internet was not an option to them.  When they were forced to be alone in their feelings and questions of themselves.  The fear they must have felt at the possibility of being shunned by others.  It must of at times been very much a trial and error path.  Another reason I support the solitary.  As I am sure there have been many a solitary out there who for whatever reasons was unable to have those around her to help her learn the old ways and therefore stumbled along her path until she taught herself.


I have never been one who has had an abundance of people around me... A bit of a hermit I tend to be sometimes... I guess that is the Scorpio in me.. I love my alone time... sometimes too much... I recently agreed to partake in a virtual coven... Almost the moment I did it I questioned my decision.. However I thought it would be good for me to be with others... And I am sure that I would learn many things.  However immediately I became nervous that I would not be able to compare to those who also were joining... With this being my first Imbolc, what was I going to do when I was responsible for the ritual.. One of the reasons I quickly chose to do Yule as it gave me the most time to prepare...

The one thing that comforts me is that since I have started to follow the pagan path and attune myself more with the callings that nature gives to me, I do not feel as if I am judged as harshly.  At least not by anyone that matters. I know that I will more than likely stumble and not do things exactly according to somes specific rules and ways.  Yet as always I will ask for guidance and wisdom and my intentions will be genuine.  Sometimes although I am an older woman I feel like such a child.   Still so much to learn.  Fortunately I am an eager pupil.  Thank you to those of you who have made it through all these mutterings... 


20 comments:

Linda in New Mexico said...

My dear Janie: I do know exactly how you feel. But don't be upset. For one thing, it is the church influence on you that makes you think there is only one way to do something "holy". I worked in churches for years and can tell you that when I finally gave myself permission to worship my way and found the craft....I vowed then that my worship would be what was comfortable to me. I have joined with other pagans locally for sabbat and found that many of them feel the same way. We all give each other "room" and permission to make it our own. So please my lovely, do the same for yourself.....afterall the joy is that no one will damn you to hell if you do it wrong here.

Lyneya said...

I'd really recommend reading "Paganism - An Introduction to Earth-Centered Religions." It addresses a lot of the issues people who come out of established churches in the Jewish-Christian-Muslim traditions have with the trasition to Paganism and covers the basics of paganism as a whole rather than any specific path. I'm working through it slowly and taking notes as I go and I've really appreciated the way the authors present the information. I'm an ex-Biblical Studies major and brought my fair share of baggage to Paganism and the book is helping me find the hidden issues that otherwise might have kept popping up for years.

faerwillow said...

~it took me along time to allow the feeling of guilt to be free...as much as i felt living like the spiritual path i know choose was always there and within me...i hestitated and questioned due to all that i was taught about being a christian...and with those questions i would get ever more frustrated as i wanted to be and live what i truly felt was right. we are all here constantly seeking and wishing for more...whether it be living or learning or trying...there is always ones that will know or do more and ones who will be at the beginning...a cycle that continues on...i think many feel the same blessing as you and could not fathem a world where we could not share our paths with eachother...a true blessing indeed...your light is coming all to soon and your spirits will rise again...much love and light and thank you so for sharing with us...brightest blessings~

Marie S said...

Hi Mother moon, I feel the quickening too. For the call to be real really.
I feel that this is a call to the human race, all of us.
To step up and be real, with each other and work together.
I offer my hand in support.
Love and huge hugs on your journey, beautiful woman.

mxtodis123 said...

Change never comes easy, but that's what makes it so wonderful when you finally get there. You're headed in the right direction. Always look forward.
Mary

Mother's Moon's Message said...

Such kind words from all of you... I knew they would come yet still the support if welcomed and so much appreciated... I do not often let a side of myself show like this... I have that strong person inside of me that seldom allows any of my weaknesses show....

Linda.. thank you as always... I knew you would be one if not the first to rally round me...
Lynea.. I will look for the book you stated... I always willing to read and learn more.... I appreciate your kindness and understanding
Faerwillow... you too are a kind soul and I knew you would lend me a hand. Thank you so much for your support and thoughtfulness...
Mary.. I agree as this transition is somewhat global, whether people want to accept it or not... thank you likewise for being there with words of wisdom and comfort... you a sweet one for sure.

SugarnSpice said...

I saw the virtual coven... I had considered joining, but had my reservations as well.
Best of luck
)O(

Mother's Moon's Message said...

Mxtodis - I knew your wisdom would shine through... And I know you now what you speak of...It is not necessarily that I do not know the direction I need to go... I just feel like I am falling somewhat short of taking it at times....

Wendy said...

Great post, I can relate to so much of what you have said.

I chose to attend a Christian church after I chose to follow the Wiccan path and ran with them both simultaneously for a few years, up until this year when I decided it was time to either take a step up or a step back for both, which resulted in me stepping back from the church and even further up in my involvement in the Wiccan community and that expression of my spiritual path.

The guilt you are feeling in regards to the church made me thing of the analogy of when someone who loves you says something to you that hurts you. It could be the way they say it, perhaps if they're also hurt or angry or frustrated, or it could be that they say something that you don't want to hear even if it is true. I think sometimes the church is like that. They are coming from God and that is a good thing, but the way they express the love of the divine source and try to define it and to legislate for common sense just doesn't sit right a lot of the time.

As with the person who you know loves you, look at the church for their core purpose, that they want you to develop your spiritual being. Believe in what you feel in your heart and fill yourself with love. I hope this will help give you more positive associations with a very important part of your life and allow you to release the negative feelings that no longer honour you. Blessed be ♥

greekwitch said...

What i always thought a sad part of christianism was the guilt it lays upon its followers. It was the hardest part to leave behind, it felt like it was somehow imprinted in my soul. When i actually let go, i enjoyed a beautiful freedom. You are on the right path, since rationalising will help you through it.
Brightest blessings**

Judith said...

about the sun light! you are so right, I get so depressed, and lazy, yet at the same time stir crazy!!!! I hate this time of the year!!!

Jupiter Greenmoone said...

I have been feeling pretty guilty about my amount of whining as well. I have been disconnected from everyone here on Blogland due to my ridiculously long period of time wallowing in my own sob story. I think I'm ready to knock that off now.

I too feel like I haven't given enough to practicing as a Pagan. I think this is due to my background as a non-practicing Christian. I was content to believe (even though I had a really hard time believing) without doing anything. I need to figure out a way to knock that off as well. Sigh.

Oh my due date is sometime around September 22nd :)

Bella Foxglove said...

I have slacked off in my practices as well...but I try not to be to hard on myself. The only person I have to please in my path is myself, and if I need a break then it is ok, but, like you, I have been feeling the pull, especially this past weekend when I was at the cost during a storm..I felt the energy of the Mother all around me, and the feeling has not left me since..

Change is coming...the Earth is slowly awakening, and I think we who walk close to Her feel it too...

OleCrowsNestJournal_Nan said...

You know I think we all are on a walk in this life. That sounds so cliche but we are living beings that move thru life. We have many philosphies and paths we can choose. Certainly our parents influence us.
Yes it is hard being on a path alone. It is hard to know where to turn. Fellowship is a welcoming gesture to those who have had to walk alone. I can see how blogging can be such a nice outlet for those (especially in alternative spirituality) who want to reach out.
Keep reaching for the sun...Have a good day..

Rue said...

I understand being worried about what family with think, having two uncles that are pastors. I do wonder what they will say when they realize I'm not exactly following their path - but I know that those who truly love me understand. I don't feel guilty, but do worry still occasionally. I hate having to defend myself, so I sometimes don't offer as much information about myself as I should.

Hugs to you - you are doing what's right for you and that's all that matters!

Lyon said...

Forgive me for being behind in my blog reading, I know I'm coming late to the party here. The new job is whooping my butt! lol

I am happy for you in this new opportunity with the virtual coven. I do hope that you find it fulfilling and that you learn as much as I know you will undoubtedly give of yourself to the group experience.

I also know that you will have nothing to worry about as far as being responsible for rituals goes. I know how intimidating those first few are. But I also know that you are a wise, beautiful person who expresses herself well and despite the fact that you feel like you have so much to learn, you have much to offer as well. You can do it and you will shine, Mama.

Bridgett said...

I think this entry would fit PERFECTLY on our Divining Women blog.

Janie, you know I understand. And not only do I understand, I empathize.

And girly, I have no idea what I'm doing in that virtual coven or what I'm going to add to it...but I'm not worried. LOL Because I know you ladies will still love me even if I do screw up. And the same goes for you too.

You are SO well loved in blogland. Never doubt it. We'll always be here for you.

Much love,
boo

Mother's Moon's Message said...

love bridgett how you can always make me smile.... feel free to use any of my references on your divining women blog... I simply love that blog and think it is truly going to help so many who feel a bit off at times.... I know exactly what you mean about the virtual coven... and I ditto it again.... thanks for the smile

~Onreeone~ said...

As a new reader to your blog and a new student to the study of Wicca I found this inspiring. I too have felt the guilt but mostly because I was raised in a Christian home and taught to believe what the bible teaches. However with saying that, as I got older and more mature in my thought patters and situations which arose in the church itself I started questioning. I do not believe that any religion is wrong or that anyone should judge or put down people for what they believe as long as there is love and faith. It amazes me that the more I read and the more I study wicca the more it seems right and fitting for me and this path and journey that I am taking. I have not forgotten my teachings as a christian, but I do welcome the pagan lifestyle. "Lest ye harm none, do what ye will." Blessed be to you and Happy energy coming your way. thank you for this post. It was something I needed to read.

dori said...

Mother Moon you may be writing about me. Our story is so much the same. I too am a Scorpio and have gone through many of the same events as you. I am 63 and find it difficult to join a group for any reason as it is more pleasing for me to be a single practitioner. I believe you will do well and find in yourself the strength to do what you feel is right.
Many blessings and hugs to you dear lady.