The Quickening

I woke up this morning with a sense of urgency. Although I will admit that the energy to support this urgency was not as strong. Still I rose and decided that it is time that I finally get my butt in gear. Honestly I am not sure exactly what I am getting my butt in gear for. It is a variety of things really. From being more dedicated to my craft, to following through on things I know I am being called to do.

 To be honest, I feel as if I have done nothing more then whine this last week or so.  Something that I do not like to do or even more to admit that I am doing.  Yet I can not help but feel that way today... I could say I have been this way because of the lack of sunlight. Causing me to fall in a somewhat down state and rightfully so as the sun has not shown itself for more than a week.  Being the lover of sunshine that I am, when it is absent I truly do get down... Yet that seems a poor excuse for such a mood and not adequately fulfilling for an explanation of my behavior.  I  know that you may be saying what behavior, or possibly you are saying "you are darn right".  I try not to bring the negative things of my life too much in the forefront.  I believe that dwelling too much on such things can do nothing more than keep you smack in that which you wish so hard to escape.  Therefore I do my best to keep the optimistic view.  Sometimes to a fault. 

Yesterday  I observed Imbolc in the best manner I could.  I say it in this manner as I will be honest and admit that it is the first time I actually did just that.  For some time I have been drawn to the pagan path and have done my best to follow it yet I think what I realized yesterday was that I still was not giving it everything.  I have spoken in the past in regards to the influence of the Church on my early life and how because of this it was difficult to follow the pagan path I now choose.  A sense of guilt is put upon you to feel as if anything that is not of the "church" is wrong and evil.  As I think on it I can easily see how  ridiculous this sounds, yet the pressure is there.  I know that there may be those who in reading this think that is not true.  And I will admit that there are some who are truly accepting of all.  Yet I also know that there will be those who as they read this will know exactly what I am talking about.

I am still somewhat apprehensive in regards to speaking out too boldly in regards to my beliefs and such.  I do have other blogs yet I made a decision some time back that I was not going to keep myself hidden any longer and I made all my sites known to all.  I have not necessarily gotten any negative feedback from any friends or family beacuse of what they  may have read on  any of my posts.  Yet I do come from a family that confrontation is not the norm.  It would be dealt with more in a silent manner; with odd looks and whispers.  That really doesn't bother me anymore though.  I am getting old enough that I do not have the time to worry about such things, nor do I want to. 

I feel as if I have been blessed by the abundance of people I have come to know here in blogland.  And am amazed at the many who feel very similiar to myself. I can not help but wonder about those of older times when the internet was not an option to them.  When they were forced to be alone in their feelings and questions of themselves.  The fear they must have felt at the possibility of being shunned by others.  It must of at times been very much a trial and error path.  Another reason I support the solitary.  As I am sure there have been many a solitary out there who for whatever reasons was unable to have those around her to help her learn the old ways and therefore stumbled along her path until she taught herself.

I have never been one who has had an abundance of people around me... A bit of a hermit I tend to be sometimes... I guess that is the Scorpio in me.. I love my alone time... sometimes too much... I recently agreed to partake in a virtual coven... Almost the moment I did it I questioned my decision.. However I thought it would be good for me to be with others... And I am sure that I would learn many things.  However immediately I became nervous that I would not be able to compare to those who also were joining... With this being my first Imbolc, what was I going to do when I was responsible for the ritual.. One of the reasons I quickly chose to do Yule as it gave me the most time to prepare...

The one thing that comforts me is that since I have started to follow the pagan path and attune myself more with the callings that nature gives to me, I do not feel as if I am judged as harshly.  At least not by anyone that matters. I know that I will more than likely stumble and not do things exactly according to somes specific rules and ways.  Yet as always I will ask for guidance and wisdom and my intentions will be genuine.  Sometimes although I am an older woman I feel like such a child.   Still so much to learn.  Fortunately I am an eager pupil.  Thank you to those of you who have made it through all these mutterings...